I feel compelled to share this post from the blog, Waiting for Baby Bird. It is so beautifully written and captures the journey of infertility in such a thoughtful and honest way. Please take the time to read this post…you’ll be glad you did.
I started blogging in November of 2014 as a way to start healing from the loss of my second pregnancy. Now that I’m immersed in a social media community of those also struggling with infertility as well as recurrent pregnancy loss, it’s great to see all the support out there through blogs, private facebook groups and instagram, among many others. It’s amazing to me that we are able to connect with each other through common ground, even though we’ve never met in person. It’s incredibly powerful to read a comment on my blog saying that my writing brought them to tears because they’ve been through it too (thank you so much for that and for the courage to share your heartbreak). And I’ve read other blogs where every word could have been my own because I’ve been walking the same journey.
This week is a great opportunity for us to come together to share our stories, help each other realize we are not alone in our heartbreak and our struggles and to raise awareness in our communities. It’s also an opportunity to educate those around us that do not understand what we face through infertility and how we can be better supported. The theme for NIAW this year is #startasking.
I have several new followers and some that have stuck with me for quite some time now. To support the theme this year of #startasking, I thought instead of asking my own questions, I’d leave this open to you. Do you have a question? I now have nearly 4 years of experience directly dealing with infertility and trying to conceive…so feel free to ask me a question.
If you leave a question for me in the comments, I will collect all questions and answer them to the best of my ability on an upcoming blog post. My answers will be based on my own personal experience (not medical advice) and I can respond to the following topics:
- Embryo Transfer (fresh and frozen) and personal medical protocol (injections)
- Donor egg IVF
- Sperm donation
- Early pregnancy following embryo transfer
- Miscarriage, pregnancy loss
- D&C procedure due to pregnancy loss
- Endometrial biopsy (AKA “scratch test”) to improve stickiness of lining for embryo attachment
- Grief, loss and recovery (surviving miscarriage, surviving negative pregnancy test after embryo transfers)
- helping a friend through infertility and/or miscarriage
Are you looking for more connections to help you through your journey? My favorite place to be is the private facebook group through www.missconceptioncoach.com. Many of us are already connected here, but if you are new to this journey, it’s a great place to start. You can request to become part of the group through her website. I’ve also found instagram to be a great source of connection for infertility and ttc. Here are some people that I follow on instagram:
As of this week, I’ve decided to link my own instagram to this blog, so I will be posting more on this topic and relating it to my blog on instagram (up until now, it’s mostly pictures of my dog and she’ll continue to make appearances). You can follow me at chrissyj_31chances
For additional support and resources, feel free to check out my resources tab on my website. I continue to add resources there as I learn about them. You can also view other blogs that I follow on my website if you are trying to find others to connect with in the blogging community regarding infertility and pregnancy loss.
Keep asking questions, reach out for support, connect with others. Please post your questions in the comments!
Trigger warning: This post is about pregnancy loss
Last Tuesday we went to what was supposed to be our “graduation day” from our fertility center. It was our 10 week ultrasound, one day early. I brought a gift for my doctor. I had framed the photo for him from “One Little White Light” as it was such a symbol of hope for all of us in the room. With high anticipation and holding our breath, we looked for the baby. But to our complete shock, there was no heartbeat. Again, our happiness crashing down around us in an instant. Darkness invading my mind. My heart breaking into a million pieces. Tears streaming. Shock. It’s not possible. This can’t be happening. I can’t do this again. I can’t do this again. I can’t do this again.
I was two days away from celebrating my last intra-muscular injection. I was in so much pain from those injections and was so close to this milestone. I had been counting down the days for the past two weeks, willing myself to get through each one, knowing it was best for the pregnancy. And then suddenly there was nothing to celebrate. Coming home from the doctor appointment, I had the gift bag in my hand and there is no one to give it to and there is no longer a reason to open it. What do I do with it?
And so it begins… the un-doing of a pregnancy and the dreams that came with it. I have to tell my friends and family that know I’m pregnant. Canceling doctor appointments, figuring out how to write the email to my work to let them know I won’t be back for awhile. Phone calls with my OB, a grueling confirmatory ultrasound, and calls with the hospital to schedule and prep for another D&C. Fighting the agony that comes from every image and thought that I’ve had in my head over the past 6 weeks since we got the positive pregnancy test. Realizing my morning sickness is quickly disappearing and fully aware that the hormonal changes coming my way are going to feel like crap. Watching my husband grieve but I can’t help him because I’m in too much pain and I can’t stop crying for hours and hours and hours. Letting go of how happy I felt every day waking up pregnant. Now faced with the fear of waking up in the night forced to realize that my baby is gone.
I had become so attached to an online support group for women who had become pregnant after their long time struggles with infertility. In the six weeks I was with the group, I had seen several babies born and several more were very close to coming into this world. There was a list of due dates going into December. There must have been at least 30 of us, with mine listed as November 16. November 16. Another date to add to my list of haunting dates. I had become attached to their stories, their daily posts about food cravings and appreciated discomforts, and birthing plans, and what to put on a registry, and photos of nurseries, and photos of newborns and simply the unwritten word that we all just understood each other…And I had to say goodbye.
In the doctor’s office after getting the news, my husband and I were left alone for awhile to deal with our new reality. I kept telling him, “I don’t want to go back, I don’t want to go back to the way it was before.” I had crossed the line from infertility and TTC to Babyland. I loved it here in Babyland. I did not want to go back to the stories of struggles and pain and suffering and what if’s and waiting and loss and heartbreak. I didn’t want to go back. Please don’t make me go back.
The framed photo I brought for my doctor was now an image that tore through my heart like the most cruel joke that could be played on me. I had wanted to hang that photo in our nursery. That day on the beach…it was our beautiful gift. Now, never to be opened.
Last week on the evening of our 7 week ultrasound where we had discovered we had two babies, I went for a walk with the dog. There is a very pretty section of eucalyptus trees in the neighborhood with a nice dirt path lined with tall grass. And it’s been so green lately following all the rain we’ve had. At one end of this path is a tire swing. I’ve walked down this path so many times and had never seen anyone on the tire swing. I’ve tried to convince my dog to try it out but she’s just not having it. This particular evening, with babies on my mind, I came up to the tire swing to discover a mom and dad swinging their cute little twin boys. In that instant, I felt so happy and reassured that all would be well with my babies, despite the doctor’s warning that Baby A might not make it. I kept walking down the path for a few minutes and then stopped myself. I wanted another glimpse at that beautiful family and what could potentially be my future. I turned around and headed back. As I walked closer I couldn’t quite see who was there, but I could still hear voices, so I was happy I’d get a chance to set my eyes on those sweet twins again. But as I approached, I was startled to see that the family was no longer there. As if within the blink of an eye, without skipping a beat, these two little boys were replaced with one little girl being pushed on the swing by her Dad. It gave me chills and knocked the wind out of my sails. This vision of the future placed in front of me like a dream played a trick on me. I felt so strongly in that moment that I was being forced to be prepared to grasp the possibility that I may be losing Baby A. This moment felt so intense to me that I cried all the way home.
There were two, then I turned around and there was one. I couldn’t shake it.
Today was our 8 week ultrasound appointment and we were terribly nervous. To our relief, Baby B quickly popped up on the screen with a strong heartbeat, but sadly Baby A did not make it. There was no heartbeat. I was lying there trying to wrap my head around which emotion to attach to. I was balancing grief and joy simultaneously. Grief tipped the scale and it has been winning today. We have our fourth angel baby. And then I felt guilt for not focusing my love and happiness on Baby B. Honestly, I’ve been an emotional wreck today. I’m so in love and so heartbroken, I’m so hopeful and so hurt. I know I have to grieve this loss before I can give full attention to the very special beating heart that is still with us and depending on me.
I’ve been given solid, heartfelt words to lean on by those close to me with kind texts and emails and there have been wonderful words of compassion from those in my support group. Everybody has said something to me that has touched me deeply and meant the world to me. Each of them expressing their love in a way so unique to our individual relationships. There was one thing however, that took my feelings and thoughts to a very comforting place, and it was this, “So sorry. At least Baby A did not pass alone.”
Baby A did not pass alone and there were three of our angels waiting and ready. And they will be watching over Baby B.
There were two, and now there is one. That is where all of our love will go.
Our Journey continues through week 7 of our pregnancy. We had our first ultrasound on Wednesday where I nearly had a panic attack and started crying while we waited for the doctor to enter the exam room. My last ultrasound in 2014 left me with the indelible image in my mind of two babies with no heartbeat. I was terrified that I wouldn’t get to see what I so badly hoped for in this ultrasound. The agony continued as it took a while to find the itty bitty blueberry sized being in my uterus. And finally, we found something and saw a very small, faint, flashing light. My doctor struggled to get a measurement of the heartbeat and we were not able to hear it. I was worried, but also relieved to see life. As he continued to try to get a clearer image, he suddenly said, “oh, there’s another baby.” (AKA Baby B). Now, let’s allow that to sink in. There’s a second baby.
Baby B had a strong heartbeat (which we could hear) and measured well for 7 weeks (7 weeks 1 day and 133 BPMs), while Baby A measured a bit smaller (6 weeks 6 days) and he was concerned about the weaker heartbeat. We were left with an uncertainty about Baby A and were told to be prepared that we may lose Baby A. If that happens, Baby B should still be fine, however that’s not easy to hear. I feel responsible for both of them and we just can’t say anymore goodbyes. Before leaving the appointment, my Dr said to me, “Do you know what I’ve been thinking about the past few weeks? That photo you showed me when we did the embryo transfer.” He gave me a hug before leaving the room.
We walked away from that appointment trying to feel happy… afterall, I really am pregnant! It’s still hard to believe. But we could not let go of our looming worry about Baby A. As we drove away, my husband said, “Is this every going to get easy? Do we ever get to stop worrying? Why isn’t this ever easy for us? I want to just be happy, but now we are both worried again!” He’s right, it’s not easy. We’ve had a lot stripped away from us over the past few years and a carefree, happy go lucky attitude about pregnancy does not exist for us. I know we so badly want to make it to a point where we can really enjoy this pregnancy and not be afraid to see a future with a baby or babies in our arms by next November.
We are encouraging our little babies every day to keep growing and cheering on Baby A. I keep thinking over and over in my head, “C’mon Baby A, you can do it!” Or as someone in my support group said, “Tighten up Baby A!” This morning my husband gave the babies a little pep talk too before leaving for work.
Feel free to send some cheers our way!
-Photo by Mary Bernsen
For those of you who have suffered through infertility and/or pregnancy loss, I think you’ll be very interested in this documentary currently in the works. It’s called, “Don’t Talk About the Baby.”
Check them out at Seed&Spark, where they are working to raise funds for the project:
You can also follow them on their website and Instagram: