I can’t pack away heartbreak


I haven’t written in quite awhile.  I needed a break from this life swirling around trying to get pregnant and losing pregnancies.

I’ve tried to take a break from it all but no matter how many things I try to do to march myself toward sunshine, my brain can’t stop thinking…

  • Every detailed memory of 3 miscarriages
  • trying again
  • not trying again
  • injections
  • doctor appointments
  • what’s next?
  • what’s possible?
  • what’s not possible?
  • how much will it cost?
  • I need to do a fundraiser campaign
  • my good vein won’t give blood anymore
  • ultrasound images
  • I’m supposed to be in my second trimester
  • Waiting to see a recurrent pregnancy loss specialist
  • should I not eat gluten?
  • don’t eat sugar
  • I better stick to decaf coffee, no, I’ll have herbal tea…but wait I have to know what herbs are in it
  • these maternity jeans are super comfortable and cute-maybe I’ll just keep wearing them anyway
  • I’ve lost interest in pineapple and avocado
  • there’s a pacifier sitting on my dresser
  • my husband gave me a Star Wars bib
  • there are baby books staring at me
  • should I pack all this stuff?  I can’t look at them but I can’t touch them either
  • my marriage is a stressful mess
  • have I started my period yet?
  • what cycle day is this?
  • did I forget an injection?
  • there’s a golf ball size knot in my glute full of ethyl oleate
  • I better go to acupuncture
  • is it my fault?
  • what’s wrong with my uterus?
  • I think it’s my fault
  • Does stress cause miscarriage?
  • do they know how much I love them?
  • will we be together again?
  • I haven’t named 4 of them, should I name them?
  • maybe I should get a tattoo of 5 hearts
  • I have to get through Mother’s Day
  • Nope that’s not possible, I’ll cry all day and hide from the world 
  • What do I get him for Father’s Day?
  • can I do this again? what if I can’t?
  • I saw a woman with a baby in the grocery store and now I can’t stop crying…in the grocery store
  • What if I give up?
  • How much does adoption cost?
  • Will anyone pick us?
  • What if we get a gestational carrier?
  • What if we can’t afford it?
  • What if she miscarries?
  • It’s likely I’ll never experience a full term pregnancy.
  • I just watched a Huggies commercial and my heart is breaking and hurting
  • Should I become an infertility consultant?
  • What if someone asks me to hold their baby?  I don’t think I can.
  • I love them.  I feel them around me.
  • My angels.  My 5 angels.

I’ve taken a break but all of this…it never stops.  It’s never finished.  Underneath my smiles, it still hurts, it still haunts me daily.  Today, I found the courage to pack up things that came my way in my third pregnancy.  Which meant I had to open the box.  Jaxon’s box.  I did it.  I packed it all away again.  But I can’t pack away everything.  I can’t pack away the heartbreak.

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