I haven’t written in quite awhile. I needed a break from this life swirling around trying to get pregnant and losing pregnancies.
I’ve tried to take a break from it all but no matter how many things I try to do to march myself toward sunshine, my brain can’t stop thinking…
- Every detailed memory of 3 miscarriages
- trying again
- not trying again
- injections
- doctor appointments
- what’s next?
- what’s possible?
- what’s not possible?
- how much will it cost?
- I need to do a fundraiser campaign
- my good vein won’t give blood anymore
- ultrasound images
- I’m supposed to be in my second trimester
- Waiting to see a recurrent pregnancy loss specialist
- should I not eat gluten?
- don’t eat sugar
- I better stick to decaf coffee, no, I’ll have herbal tea…but wait I have to know what herbs are in it
- these maternity jeans are super comfortable and cute-maybe I’ll just keep wearing them anyway
- I’ve lost interest in pineapple and avocado
- there’s a pacifier sitting on my dresser
- my husband gave me a Star Wars bib
- there are baby books staring at me
- should I pack all this stuff? I can’t look at them but I can’t touch them either
- my marriage is a stressful mess
- have I started my period yet?
- what cycle day is this?
- did I forget an injection?
- there’s a golf ball size knot in my glute full of ethyl oleate
- I better go to acupuncture
- is it my fault?
- what’s wrong with my uterus?
- I think it’s my fault
- Does stress cause miscarriage?
- do they know how much I love them?
- will we be together again?
- I haven’t named 4 of them, should I name them?
- maybe I should get a tattoo of 5 hearts
- I have to get through Mother’s Day
- Nope that’s not possible, I’ll cry all day and hide from the world
- What do I get him for Father’s Day?
- can I do this again? what if I can’t?
- I saw a woman with a baby in the grocery store and now I can’t stop crying…in the grocery store
- What if I give up?
- How much does adoption cost?
- Will anyone pick us?
- What if we get a gestational carrier?
- What if we can’t afford it?
- What if she miscarries?
- It’s likely I’ll never experience a full term pregnancy.
- I just watched a Huggies commercial and my heart is breaking and hurting
- Should I become an infertility consultant?
- What if someone asks me to hold their baby? I don’t think I can.
- I love them. I feel them around me.
- My angels. My 5 angels.
I’ve taken a break but all of this…it never stops. It’s never finished. Underneath my smiles, it still hurts, it still haunts me daily. Today, I found the courage to pack up things that came my way in my third pregnancy. Which meant I had to open the box. Jaxon’s box. I did it. I packed it all away again. But I can’t pack away everything. I can’t pack away the heartbreak.
31chances 