I can’t pack away heartbreak


I haven’t written in quite awhile.  I needed a break from this life swirling around trying to get pregnant and losing pregnancies.

I’ve tried to take a break from it all but no matter how many things I try to do to march myself toward sunshine, my brain can’t stop thinking…

  • Every detailed memory of 3 miscarriages
  • trying again
  • not trying again
  • injections
  • doctor appointments
  • what’s next?
  • what’s possible?
  • what’s not possible?
  • how much will it cost?
  • I need to do a fundraiser campaign
  • my good vein won’t give blood anymore
  • ultrasound images
  • I’m supposed to be in my second trimester
  • Waiting to see a recurrent pregnancy loss specialist
  • should I not eat gluten?
  • don’t eat sugar
  • I better stick to decaf coffee, no, I’ll have herbal tea…but wait I have to know what herbs are in it
  • these maternity jeans are super comfortable and cute-maybe I’ll just keep wearing them anyway
  • I’ve lost interest in pineapple and avocado
  • there’s a pacifier sitting on my dresser
  • my husband gave me a Star Wars bib
  • there are baby books staring at me
  • should I pack all this stuff?  I can’t look at them but I can’t touch them either
  • my marriage is a stressful mess
  • have I started my period yet?
  • what cycle day is this?
  • did I forget an injection?
  • there’s a golf ball size knot in my glute full of ethyl oleate
  • I better go to acupuncture
  • is it my fault?
  • what’s wrong with my uterus?
  • I think it’s my fault
  • Does stress cause miscarriage?
  • do they know how much I love them?
  • will we be together again?
  • I haven’t named 4 of them, should I name them?
  • maybe I should get a tattoo of 5 hearts
  • I have to get through Mother’s Day
  • Nope that’s not possible, I’ll cry all day and hide from the world 
  • What do I get him for Father’s Day?
  • can I do this again? what if I can’t?
  • I saw a woman with a baby in the grocery store and now I can’t stop crying…in the grocery store
  • What if I give up?
  • How much does adoption cost?
  • Will anyone pick us?
  • What if we get a gestational carrier?
  • What if we can’t afford it?
  • What if she miscarries?
  • It’s likely I’ll never experience a full term pregnancy.
  • I just watched a Huggies commercial and my heart is breaking and hurting
  • Should I become an infertility consultant?
  • What if someone asks me to hold their baby?  I don’t think I can.
  • I love them.  I feel them around me.
  • My angels.  My 5 angels.

I’ve taken a break but all of this…it never stops.  It’s never finished.  Underneath my smiles, it still hurts, it still haunts me daily.  Today, I found the courage to pack up things that came my way in my third pregnancy.  Which meant I had to open the box.  Jaxon’s box.  I did it.  I packed it all away again.  But I can’t pack away everything.  I can’t pack away the heartbreak.

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13 thoughts on “I can’t pack away heartbreak

  1. I am so sorry for your lost. I understand a little how you feel because, I also have lost 5 babies. I’m also an infertility patient and know how devastating it its to loose these precious little ones, when they are so hard to get.

    I’m nursing my baby boy now, it’s the sweetest best thing in the world. But I’ll never forget the weight of my empty arms leaving the hospital after all those D&C. It’s still to painful to talk to most people about.
    I’m just so, so sorry you have to feel such pain.

    Liked by 1 person

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