Strong Enough


September 22, 2012 was our wedding day. Last week we celebrated our three year wedding anniversary.   We have not been married for a long time, but we have been through so much together. Today, I saw this quote floating around Facebook:

The couples that are “meant to be” are the ones who go through everything that is meant to tear them apart and come out even stronger than they were before.

We are definitely one of those couples. We have been faced with so much that is meant to tear us apart. I’m not sure if we are stronger yet, but I think we are at a place where we are strong enough. We seem to be in a constant state of “licking our wounds” with short breaks of stability and a chance to remember we can still be happy. Our three years of marriage have not been easy. Somehow we find a way not to give up…on our journey or each other. This marriage has not been all sunshine and roses. At times, we hang by a thread, and at times we can’t let go of each other. Our entire relationship has been overshadowed with fertility issues and two devastating pregnancy losses (amongst life’s other challenges). We’ve shared the roller coaster of hopefulness following an embryo transfer and have had to grieve in our own way every time it has failed.   He’s had to watch me lose hope and he’s had to watch happiness fade from my eyes. When I’ve given up, he hasn’t. Somehow, that’s helped me come back to see the light again. When he’s lost, my strength comes back to find him.

Seeing this quote today reminded me that we are strong enough not to be torn apart no matter how close that feels sometimes. We love each other.

Photo by Mary Bernsen


blog entry4 photo

The photo posted with this entry was written to me by my husband. He quickly replaced what had been written before we got the sad news about losing our second pregnancy. Before he wrote this, we had started a list of names for the twins and had some favorites listed. It’s just too easy to start dreaming about the day we would hold them in our arms and give them these cute names. Both my husband and my best friend recently told me these words…”you are the strongest woman I have ever known.” It’s quite amazing to hear those words when strength feels like it’s gone into hiding and crouched in a hole covered by confusion, loss and heartbreak. Thinking about my own strength, hiding in there somewhere, I am reminded of a story I read in another blog a few months ago. It was around the time I was going to start another embryo transfer cycle that I ran across this touching story about a woman who lost her sweet baby girl. To me, it was the most beautiful story of a mother’s love and quiet courage. In reading her story, I could feel every word so deeply and relate to her experience so strongly. While she experienced a much more difficult journey than I had faced with my first loss, the feelings in those very raw moments are so intensely the same. Her words brought amazing beauty to her daughter’s brief life and touched so many of us who needed a way to understand our own pain. And I could make more sense of my own loss through her words. She gave us all a gift by writing her story. Her name is Danielle Walker and I have never met her. She is the author of several recipe books that I really enjoy and I follow her on Facebook. What I found so incredible about her is her amazing spirit that shines through in her writing and how she endures through this loss by truly living. I see her posting updates on Facebook about her book tours with a smile on her face and interacting with so many people. But also at times, admitting to her followers that she misses her baby. And she just amazes me. To me, she is STRENGTH. And she just might be able to help me find mine. I’ve attached a link to her story about her baby, Aila.

Photo by CJE