I started writing “31chances” as a way to recover from loss and grief without even being sure if I would have the bravery to share it with others. I started writing the day after it was confirmed that my twins’ hearts stopped beating shortly before I was 9 weeks pregnant. This follows a previous pregnancy loss at 15 weeks. Since I started this blog, I’ve had a third pregnancy (twins again) where I lost one baby at approximately 8 weeks and the second baby close to 10 weeks.  This story is about my journey with my husband to make a baby and the ups and downs along the way. But more than that, it’s about how complicated and scary, and hopeful and beautiful life can be…whether it’s our own or we are trying to make one. It’s about recovery from grief and terrible sadness. It’s about the survival of a marriage when dreams are broken. It’s about love, strength and courage. It’s about trying to find faith when so much is taken away. And sometimes it will be about my dog because she is cute and funny and has her own way of helping us survive and bringing us smiles when it doesn’t feel possible to smile. She is a reminder for living in the moment when our minds want to carry us backward and forward, often getting in the way of healing.

So, why is this blog called 31 chances? Our journey to baby has required a team of medical experts. Following two rounds of in vitro fertilization, we had to discontinue this path. We went through the process of joining our efforts with an egg donor. Thirty one embryos became ours. And so our story continues with 31 chances.

My writing is dedicated to my husband and in loving memory of our five little angels.  And I write in gratitude to the friends and family who have supported us through the highs and the lows of this adventure.  Thank you to our doctors, nurses and embryologists who not only pave the way to make this journey possible but have been there with us every step of the way.

For those of you who have also grieved the loss of a baby that did not get to be…

I REMEMBER YOU

The world may never notice
If a rosebud doesn’t bloom:
Or even pause to wonder if the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be
Touches the World in some small way
For all eternity.

The little ones we longed for
Were swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do
Every beating of my heart says
“I Remember You”

-Author unknown