Miss.Conception Coach Fertility Conference Day 1 – Guest Post, Meet Elena!

Elena

The online Fertility Conference hosted by “Miss.Conception Coach” has kicked off!  I will be one of the participants in this conference and I am very excited to get to share a part of my story through such a supportive forum.  I hope you will be inspired to follow along as I’m sure you will feel a connection to the stories being shared.  This is a journey we do not have to face alone.

Check out the post for Day 1 of the conference from blogger,  Elena with Baby Ridley Bump Blog:

Miss.Conception Coach Fertility Conference Day 1

For more information about “Miss.Conception Coach” and this inspiring online community, please visit:

www.missconceptioncoach.com

Gone, Gone, Gone and Back at it Again

out at the sea

In March, I experienced yet another failed embryo transfer cycle. It had been our 7th attempt and physically and emotionally, I was just done. Done. My heart couldn’t take it anymore.   We made the decision to take a three month break. I had all of April, May and June to stop thinking about it, to stop scheduling my life around doctor appointments and injections and to just be me for three whole months. I added creativity into my life and got back to playing around with photography. I joined a new gym and kept up with regular workouts. I started going to acupuncture. My husband and I went on vacation and had a fabulous time visiting friends. I got involved in an online support group for people like me and it gave me courage to stick to our plan of coming back after three months.

Today is the start of a new two-cycle process, which will lead to our 8th embryo transfer.   I found myself having doubts and questioning if I should go through this again. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to say goodbye to my “three month break” yet. I remember thinking on my 3rd try, that maybe it was lucky, because “third time’s a charm” right? But now, going on to number 8? How do I get my head back into this with any optimism after all of my heartache and disappointment? My mind was swirling with doubt and apprehension as I drove to my doctor appointment today. Can I really do this again? As I was driving and trying to convince myself that I was ready for all this, a song came on the radio that guided my doubts to a screeching halt. The message I was waiting for was right there for me…

In previous posts, I’ve talked about our baby, Jaxon. I talked about saying goodbye and spreading his ashes in the ocean.   The song that we played while saying goodbye and looking out at the sea was, “Gone, Gone, Gone” by Phillip Phillips. This is the song that started to play on the radio on my way to the doctor today. And somehow in that moment, my baby’s soul was with me and I knew this couldn’t yet be the end. I had to go keep going and begin again, even though it will be our 8th beginning. Here we are back at it again, with my heart beating for you.

“Like a drum my heart never stops beating for you.

And long after you’re gone, gone, gone.

I’ll love you long after you’re gone, gone, gone.”

Photo by CJE

This is Me

31chances_Chrissy2About six months ago when I started this blog, I wasn’t sure how I would feel about putting such personal and emotionally painful experiences into words for anyone to read. I wasn’t sure who else was out there that may be writing about miscarriages and infertility and whether or not connections would be created through the blogging world. It was a new realm of social media for me and I didn’t know what to expect. What would my friends and family think? What would my husband think? I had been writing for a couple of weeks before I even told my husband about my blog. With so much uncertainty, I decided to be an anonymous blogger.

When I started writing, I just knew that I needed this place to put my heartbreak and confusion and sadness. I needed a way to honor the babies that I had lost. I needed a way to tell people close to me what I had been through without having to talk through the story over and over again. I hoped that others would understand why I was writing and how much it helped me to share my story. Writing seems to give me a place to put my pain so that I don’t have to carry it with me all the time.

As I began writing, the connections slowly started with one “like” and one comment. I’m not a blogger with a lot of followers, but I have now connected with enough of you to know that in this journey, I am not alone. What I have discovered is that there are so many of us struggling with infertility, pregnancy loss or both. I have discovered that the stories are different but the pain and heartache are the same. I have discovered empathy and support from people that I’ve never met in person. I’ve discovered an online support group that I wish I had found 3 years ago.   I don’t want to be anonymous behind my story. I’m so much more than the words that I share about this one part of my life.

So, here it goes. This is me.

My name is Chrissy and…..

I am 41 years old.

coastal walk  kaylee coast  polka dot headbandsI love to go out walking with my dog and as you’ve seen in previous posts, I love my dog. She is a rescued pitbull and her name is Kaylee. I dress her up for holidays and take funny pictures of her.

Kaylee red boa

I love photography and I enjoy taking pictures of anything that I think is pretty. I have my own Etsy shop where I sell cards of my photographs.

I hate to cook but married someone who loves to cook (thank goodness).

chrissymike-291  chrissymike-765  wedding 1

I met my husband on eHarmony. I never believed in love at first sight until I met him.

We got engaged 5 months later.

When I was a kid, I was a gymnast, a swimmer and a ballet dancer. I quit gymnastics and swimming almost 30 years ago but I can still do a cartwheel and I can still swim butterfly.

I am a stepmom to a teenage boy.

I’ve had an 18 year career in the biopharmaceutical industry.

Until I started this infertility journey I was very career driven. Now I’m very baby driven.

ParisOn our honeymoon, we got to go to many places including Paris, Aix-en-Provence, Nice, Cannes, and Monaco. It was a dream come true. I found out that Pierre Hermé macarons are delicious and it was worth our trek through Paris in the pouring rain to find them.

PeruA few years ago I went on a 40 mile hike through Peru. I left within just days of meeting my husband. I came home with a $1,000 cell phone bill.

I have 3 siblings and I love them so much!

Sometimes I accidentally snort when I laugh.

I am a melanoma survivor.

me and dad2I lost my Dad to cancer in 2008. I’ll never forget the sound of his voice when he said, “Hi Sweetie” and I’ll never forget his laugh.

My favorite flowers are Gerbera daisies.

I have a sweet tooth weakness for dark chocolate, chocolate cake and peppermint patties.

My guilty pleasure is watching “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette” TV shows. And by the way, if any of you are in Bachelor Nation, you’ve got to check out the blog, www.Ihategreenbeans.com for the Bachelor Recaps. You will not stop laughing.

chrissy little  childhood photoI had a very happy childhood including an awesome teddy bear collection, wonderful grandparents, loving and dedicated parents, lots of pets, and my Dad rocket launching my sister and I into the air in every hotel pool we visited. My mom has been my rock through everything in life.

I think The Muppets are totally awesome.

“Sixteen Candles” is my favorite movie.

I think I have my mom’s eyes and my dad’s smile.

I love giggle fits with my sister.

Thanks for getting to know me.

Love,

Chrissy

Wedding photography:  Mary Bernsen

Other images:  CJE

Bloggers Fertility Conference with Miss. Conception Coach Starting July 13, 2015

IMG_6794To all of you out there struggling with infertility and bravely sharing your story to help create strength and support in an online and blogger community, I would like to invite you to the Bloggers Fertility Conference starting July 13, 2015. This online conference has been created by Chiemi Rajamahendran, Founder of Miss.Conception Coach. The online conference will share stories like yours from blogs within the infertility community. One of my blog posts was selected for the conference and I’m very excited to participate!

Please go to www.missconceptioncoach.com to “become a member” and join this fabulous community. Chiemi also offers a private Facebook group that I have found to be incredibly valuable. It’s a wonderful and private way to ask questions and to share your feelings, fears, excitement, and disappointments. It’s an amazing support group that you can lean on and know that your posts will be met with empathy and understanding from those going through similar situations. I would love to chat with you there!

BLOGGERS

Creative Financing and Infertility

piggy bankFor those of us trying desperately to have our own baby, we know all too well that this is not just a physical and emotional journey. This is also a journey lined with dollar signs, likely leading to credit card debt, an impact to our retirement savings, and saying goodbye to the fun stuff. It’s a journey where saving up for a vacation just turned into more medications, more tests, or another embryo transfer. Unless we win the lottery, strike it rich through our own Reality TV series, or already have wealth beyond our wildest dreams; money will most likely be the deciding factor as to whether or not the journey is even an option.   But when we want something this bad, it is also likely that we’ll start to get creative to figure out how we could find that $12,000+ for an IVF cycle or $800 for a vial of sperm or $XX,000 for an egg donor, surrogate or adoption agency.

So, what does that creative financing look like for you? This all depends on where you are in your life. It depends on whether or not you are currently working, whether or not you already have a retirement plan, or are you doing this alone or with a partner, do you own a house or are you renting? Are you starting on this process in your 30’s after you have a career established with some stock options on the side? Or is this a journey that’s starting in your 20’s when you are in your first job out of college and just got married?   While we are all in different financial situations, I do think there are some creative options to consider.

The following options are based on my own experience over the past two years (from my own financial situation) and the ideas I offer may not be an option for everyone. But there might be something here that you haven’t yet thought of that could help or get you thinking beyond your next paycheck.

  1. Meet with a Financial Planner: Discuss with a financial planner the amount of money you think you will need and where you want this money to come from. If it’s coming from our own resources, there could be long term strategies put in place to help make up for the financial hit now. They could have ideas on other debt consolidation to bring down other monthly payments to help off-set taking on a new loan to cover something like IVF.
  1. Discuss your plans with your CPA: Out of pocket medical expenses are tax deductible, as well as adoption expenses. Last year, we had to pay strictly out of pocket for our egg donor/IVF process and the entire amount was added to our itemized deductions. Since we notified our CPA at the beginning of the year and knew how much this was going to cost us, we were able to adjust our withholding amounts to make sure that we would either break even or be getting back a refund.
  1. Do you have good credit? If so, you may be able to qualify for 0% interest credit cards. These offerings periodically come to me in the mail offering 0% interest for 12, 15 or 18 months. If you are on top of your budget, you can use this card for a few thousand dollars (or 10…LOL) and keep yourself to a strict monthly payment plan to pay off most or all of it before the interest rate goes up. I’ve used these for overflow IVF/embryo transfer expenses that were not covered by insurance.
  1. Do you have a solid 401K? Some 401K plans may be able to allow you to take out a loan from your own retirement plan without any penalty. This of course comes with some risk. You need to make sure you stay employed for the length of the loan or have a way to pay it back if you were to lose your job or change employers. You’ll want to check on the terms of the loan before moving forward. I was able to take this approach to help finance our egg donor/IVF process. The emotional downside – It’s painful to know that every month I’m paying toward a loan that has still not created a baby. I’ll be paying this back for the next 5 years.
  1. Fertility Treatment Loans: I was surprised to learn that these exist. But be careful. These tend to be rather high interest loans. However, it may be your only reasonable option. Before I took out a loan from my 401K, I seriously considered moving forward with “Capex MD.” (http://www.capexmd.com) I submitted an online inquiry through their website and later that afternoon, received a phone call to answer my questions. I found them to be very understanding and compassionate about the difficult journey of seeking out fertility treatment and how to pay for it.
  1. Do you have good health insurance? If you are lucky, and you have a health insurance plan that provides coverage for infertility, that is fantastic! I am one of those lucky ones, but these benefits tend to have a lifetime maximum. It doesn’t take long to run out of this benefit. My insurance had a $20,000 lifetime maximum benefit for infertility. This got us through two rounds of IVF, a third embryo transfer and other miscellaneous expenses with ultrasounds, tests, etc. There are ways to make the dollar stretch further if there are differences between seeing out of network or in-network providers.
  1. Have you considered crowd funding? I haven’t gotten to this point yet, but I think it’s a great option. Here are some recommended sites that I found for supporting those trying to go through IVF or adoption:

AdoptTogether: http://www.adopttogether.org

GiveForward: http://www.giveforward.com

YouCaring: http://www.youcaring.com

Indiegogo: http://www.indiegogo.com

GoFundMe: http://www.gofundme.com

  1. Do you own your own home? Look into your options for Refinancing or Home Equity Lines of Credit to either allow you some extra money each month with a lower mortgage and/or a pool of money such as from a HELOC to use toward your fertility treatment options.
  1. Can you think of other creative ways to make more money? You’ve got skills! Use them!

These ideas might seem a bit off the wall to you, but I’ve launched myself into a couple of business adventures to see where it can take me. So far, it is not something that is funding these medical costs, and fingers crossed I can break even at some point but maybe this will get you thinking outside the box. Keep in mind; I have a full time career, so I’m involved in these for minimal hours per week to balance it all.

-Direct Selling: I became an Independent Skin Care Consultant for Rodan and Fields (you know, the doctors that made Proactiv?). I’m so in love with their skin care products that I decided to join them as a consultant to build my own business.   This allows me to use the leadership skills I’ve built in my 17-year career, as well as immerse myself in a network of strong, creative, and passionate women. I may be struggling to make a baby, but I have great skin!

-Getting Crafty: I love photography and just recently opened my own shop on Etsy selling cards made out of my own photography. Do you have a talent that brings you joy where you could create a product that people love?

  1. Buy a lottery ticket: You just never know…maybe you’ll be the lucky one.

What other ideas do you have?

A Hug for You on Mother’s Day

cardchic peru butterfly

With all of my compassion and with pain in my heart, I reach out to those of you like me…who’s babies are angels…or who have tried, and tried and tried again to have children and have been left with empty arms…my love is here for us today. I know today is not an easy day. I hope that you all have the support you need to get through today. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. Sometimes just asking for a hug can make all the difference in the world. I’ll be keeping this blog post short as I think it’s best for me not to get too deep into the emotions of today.

I wanted to share with those of you who follow my blog, that I found another very helpful blog, and even more helpful, an associated private Facebook page for those women like us. I probably found it through one of your blog posts! The community of women on this private page are very supportive and all are going through different phases of infertility, or pregnancy after IVF, as well as those who have suffered miscarriages. I would encourage you to check it out:

www.missconceptioncoach.wordpress.com

From this page, you can click on the link, “become a member” and you can sign up for the private Facebook page. There have been a lot of helpful posts about Mother’s Day.

A big hug and lots of love to you today.

Photo by CJE – Peru

You are Not Alone

NIAW-CMYK

For National Infertility Awareness Week, I’m re-posting a blog that I wrote a while back, titled, “The DNA Decision.”  While infertility effects 1 in 8 couples, it can feel very isolating and can be a very painful journey to share with others.  The infertility I have faced with my husband has not only taken us through two rounds of IVF and a total of 7 embryo transfers to date, we have also lost 3 babies.  We lost our first baby boy when I was 15 weeks pregnant and twin girls when I was 9 weeks pregnant.  The blog post that follows is one small piece of this journey where I write about the decision to use an egg donor.  I invite you to read other blog posts here at www.31chances.com

Today happens to mark the 4 year anniversary of my first date with my husband.  We have been through so much in those four years.  Especially over the past two years in our journey to baby.

For more information on NIAW and to find out how you can connect with others suffering from infertility, please see this link as well as the links at the bottom of this post.

http://www.resolve.org/niaw

The DNA Decision

When we dream of having our own children, we wonder how our looks and personality will pass down to our baby. Will they have our nose, our eye color or hair color? Will they laugh like us, look like us, smile like us? Maybe she will be my strawberry-blond mini-me bringing on comments from friends saying, “she’s so cute, she looks just like you!” But how does this all change and how do we accept that this type of dream is gone, when the genetics are not ours? How do we decide to move forward with the journey to baby when we can’t have “our” baby? Surprisingly, the decision turned out to be quite simple. Not that there weren’t fears that came along with it, but as options dwindle, the path becomes clear and now here we are with our donor embryos. When successful IVF with my own eggs became such a remote possibility, our next logical step seemed to be adoption. But then we found out about egg donation. Knowing my first choice is to carry the pregnancy on my own and be in control of the health of the baby from day one, this became our next best option. The process with our agency was so respectful and comforting that it became such an exciting new path for us. We chose a donor that resembled me as closely as possible to my eye, hair and skin color. We were able to review medical history and a thorough profile including photos from various years of her life. And then we had the option to meet her. While all personal information including names are kept confidential, we were able to sit with her for an hour with our conversation guided by a psychologist. I left the meeting feeling so thrilled to now have insight into her personality, her childhood, her family, her hobbies, music interests, travel desires and mannerisms. I left there hoping I would be able to share this with my child someday.

Here are a few things that I wrote about her shortly after meeting her:

…She has a cute smile. I hope we will get to see that smile again. She’s confident, witty, smart, a hard worker and likes reggae, rap, hip-hop and Jimmy Buffet. She has green eyes that sparkle with a daring and adventurous spirit. Blond hair that was dyed a bright orange-red with a short, spunky haircut. When we walked in the office to meet her I went to shake her hand and was surprised and happy to be met by a hug.

…She warned us that she is adventurous and daring, apologizing ahead of time that we could have a child climbing the walls.

After going through two partial pregnancies and experiencing the love for the life growing within me; there was no longer a fear or thought that “this baby isn’t mine.” They all felt like mine from the moment I heard a heart beat. The genetics did not mean a thing when I saw them on the ultrasound. All I saw were my babies and all I felt was love. And isn’t it exciting to think of creating a child where there are no preconceived ideas of what they should be like because you expect them to be like you? How wonderful to let go of that and just let them grow and blossom into who they are meant to be! So, if our miracle comes and someone says, “she’s so cute, she looks just like you!” I will smile and know that it’s because our love and our connected souls are shining through her eyes (or his, I’m not picky). We will belong to each other.

For more information on the basic disease of infertility, visit:

http://www.resolve.org/about-infertility/what-is-infertility/

For more information about NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week), visit:

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html

Little Bunny Foo Foo

Kaylee bunny FullSizeRender (1)

My dog has become so tolerant with these silly holiday photo shoots so of course I had to dress her up in bunny ears. She was so cute and as long as I keep the treats coming, she’ll sit still for some photos. While playing around with her and taking photos, I kept hearing this song in my head that my older sister used to sing to me when I was little.

Little bunny Foo Foo

Went hopping through the forest

Scooping up the field mice

And bopping them on the head

Down came the Good Fairy, and she said

“Little bunny Foo Foo

I don’t want to see you

Scooping up the field mice

And bopping them on the head.”

So many years have gone by and I can still hear her voice singing this to me in our parent’s kitchen.

Now, every time I look at these photos of my dog, this Bunny Foo Foo song pops into my head. A great reminder about the parts of my life that are right in front of me that make me smile and the wonderful people (and dog) that are in my life that I love so much.

I’m creating my own Spring Break from the repeated disappointment of failed embryo transfer cycles. With the last failed attempt in March, just days before the two year anniversary of losing my first baby, I knew it was time to stop this madness. At least for a while. I’m doing some spring cleaning of my mind and body and trying to forget about trying to make a baby. I joined a new gym and started new workouts. Without all the extra doctor appointments, I had time to fit in something new… Acupuncture. I’m really loving it. What a great way to address the stress that I’ve been through physically and mentally these past two years. It has been such a calming experience and I highly recommend it!  I’m exploring my creative side and working on opening an Etsy shop with my photographs.  I plan to spend these next three to four months recovering from the ups and downs of this very difficult process and hopefully get back to feeling “normal.”

Enjoy these photos of my Little Bunny Foo Foo. I hope she makes you smile too.

Photos by CJE