Miss.Conception Coach Fertility Conference Day 5 – Guest Post, Meet Whitney!

Posted on July 17, 2015July 22, 2015 by CJandMe

Check out Day 5 of the Miss.Conception Coach Bloggers Fertility Conference! I will be one of the participants in this conference and I am very excited to get to share a part of my story through such a supportive forum. I hope you will be inspired to follow along as I’m sure you will feel a connection to the stories being shared. This is a journey we do not have to face alone. Check out today’s post by Whitney at Running with PCOS:

Miss.Conception Coach Fertility Conference Day 5

For more information about “Miss.Conception Coach” and this inspiring online community, please visit:

www.missconceptioncoach.com

Miss.Conception Coach Fertility Conference Day 4 – Guest Post, Meet Halie!

Posted on July 16, 2015July 22, 2015 by CJandMe

Check out Day 4 of the Miss.Conception Coach Bloggers Fertility Conference! I will be one of the participants in this conference and I am very excited to get to share a part of my story through such a supportive forum. I hope you will be inspired to follow along as I’m sure you will feel a connection to the stories being shared. This is a journey we do not have to face alone. Check out today’s post by Halie at Then I Look Up at the Sky:

Miss.Conception Coach Fertility Conference Day 4

For more information about “Miss.Conception Coach” and this inspiring online community, please visit:

www.missconceptioncoach.com

Miss.Conception Coach Fertility Conference Day 2 – Guest Post, Meet Chelsea!

Posted on July 14, 2015July 22, 2015 by CJandMe

Check out Day 2 of the Miss.Conception Coach Bloggers Fertility Conference! I will be one of the participants in this conference and I am very excited to get to share a part of my story through such a supportive forum. I hope you will be inspired to follow along as I’m sure you will feel a connection to the stories being shared. This is a journey we do not have to face alone. Check out today’s post by Chelsea with Starbucks, Peace and the Pursuit of a Baby:

Miss.Conception Coach Fertility Conference Day 2

For more information about “Miss.Conception Coach” and this inspiring online community, please visit:

www.missconceptioncoach.com

This is Me

Posted on July 3, 2015August 2, 2015 by CJandMe

About six months ago when I started this blog, I wasn’t sure how I would feel about putting such personal and emotionally painful experiences into words for anyone to read. I wasn’t sure who else was out there that may be writing about miscarriages and infertility and whether or not connections would be created through the blogging world. It was a new realm of social media for me and I didn’t know what to expect. What would my friends and family think? What would my husband think? I had been writing for a couple of weeks before I even told my husband about my blog. With so much uncertainty, I decided to be an anonymous blogger.

When I started writing, I just knew that I needed this place to put my heartbreak and confusion and sadness. I needed a way to honor the babies that I had lost. I needed a way to tell people close to me what I had been through without having to talk through the story over and over again. I hoped that others would understand why I was writing and how much it helped me to share my story. Writing seems to give me a place to put my pain so that I don’t have to carry it with me all the time.

As I began writing, the connections slowly started with one “like” and one comment. I’m not a blogger with a lot of followers, but I have now connected with enough of you to know that in this journey, I am not alone. What I have discovered is that there are so many of us struggling with infertility, pregnancy loss or both. I have discovered that the stories are different but the pain and heartache are the same. I have discovered empathy and support from people that I’ve never met in person. I’ve discovered an online support group that I wish I had found 3 years ago. I don’t want to be anonymous behind my story. I’m so much more than the words that I share about this one part of my life.

So, here it goes. This is me.

My name is Chrissy and…..

I am 41 years old.

I love to go out walking with my dog and as you’ve seen in previous posts, I love my dog. She is a rescued pitbull and her name is Kaylee. I dress her up for holidays and take funny pictures of her.

I love photography and I enjoy taking pictures of anything that I think is pretty. I have my own Etsy shop where I sell cards of my photographs.

I hate to cook but married someone who loves to cook (thank goodness).

I met my husband on eHarmony. I never believed in love at first sight until I met him.

We got engaged 5 months later.

When I was a kid, I was a gymnast, a swimmer and a ballet dancer. I quit gymnastics and swimming almost 30 years ago but I can still do a cartwheel and I can still swim butterfly.

I am a stepmom to a teenage boy.

I’ve had an 18 year career in the biopharmaceutical industry.

Until I started this infertility journey I was very career driven. Now I’m very baby driven.

On our honeymoon, we got to go to many places including Paris, Aix-en-Provence, Nice, Cannes, and Monaco. It was a dream come true. I found out that Pierre Hermé macarons are delicious and it was worth our trek through Paris in the pouring rain to find them.

A few years ago I went on a 40 mile hike through Peru. I left within just days of meeting my husband. I came home with a $1,000 cell phone bill.

I have 3 siblings and I love them so much!

Sometimes I accidentally snort when I laugh.

I am a melanoma survivor.

I lost my Dad to cancer in 2008. I’ll never forget the sound of his voice when he said, “Hi Sweetie” and I’ll never forget his laugh.

My favorite flowers are Gerbera daisies.

I have a sweet tooth weakness for dark chocolate, chocolate cake and peppermint patties.

My guilty pleasure is watching “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette” TV shows. And by the way, if any of you are in Bachelor Nation, you’ve got to check out the blog, www.Ihategreenbeans.com for the Bachelor Recaps. You will not stop laughing.

I had a very happy childhood including an awesome teddy bear collection, wonderful grandparents, loving and dedicated parents, lots of pets, and my Dad rocket launching my sister and I into the air in every hotel pool we visited. My mom has been my rock through everything in life.

I think The Muppets are totally awesome.

“Sixteen Candles” is my favorite movie.

I think I have my mom’s eyes and my dad’s smile.

I love giggle fits with my sister.

Thanks for getting to know me.

Love,

Chrissy

Wedding photography: Mary Bernsen

Other images: CJE

Bloggers Fertility Conference with Miss. Conception Coach Starting July 13, 2015

Posted on July 1, 2015July 1, 2015 by CJandMe

To all of you out there struggling with infertility and bravely sharing your story to help create strength and support in an online and blogger community, I would like to invite you to the Bloggers Fertility Conference starting July 13, 2015. This online conference has been created by Chiemi Rajamahendran, Founder of Miss.Conception Coach. The online conference will share stories like yours from blogs within the infertility community. One of my blog posts was selected for the conference and I’m very excited to participate!

Please go to www.missconceptioncoach.com to “become a member” and join this fabulous community. Chiemi also offers a private Facebook group that I have found to be incredibly valuable. It’s a wonderful and private way to ask questions and to share your feelings, fears, excitement, and disappointments. It’s an amazing support group that you can lean on and know that your posts will be met with empathy and understanding from those going through similar situations. I would love to chat with you there!

A Hug for You on Mother’s Day

Posted on May 10, 2015August 2, 2015 by CJandMe

With all of my compassion and with pain in my heart, I reach out to those of you like me…who’s babies are angels…or who have tried, and tried and tried again to have children and have been left with empty arms…my love is here for us today. I know today is not an easy day. I hope that you all have the support you need to get through today. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. Sometimes just asking for a hug can make all the difference in the world. I’ll be keeping this blog post short as I think it’s best for me not to get too deep into the emotions of today.

I wanted to share with those of you who follow my blog, that I found another very helpful blog, and even more helpful, an associated private Facebook page for those women like us. I probably found it through one of your blog posts! The community of women on this private page are very supportive and all are going through different phases of infertility, or pregnancy after IVF, as well as those who have suffered miscarriages. I would encourage you to check it out:

www.missconceptioncoach.wordpress.com

From this page, you can click on the link, “become a member” and you can sign up for the private Facebook page. There have been a lot of helpful posts about Mother’s Day.

A big hug and lots of love to you today.

Photo by CJE – Peru

You are Not Alone

Posted on April 22, 2015April 23, 2015 by CJandMe

For National Infertility Awareness Week, I’m re-posting a blog that I wrote a while back, titled, “The DNA Decision.” While infertility effects 1 in 8 couples, it can feel very isolating and can be a very painful journey to share with others. The infertility I have faced with my husband has not only taken us through two rounds of IVF and a total of 7 embryo transfers to date, we have also lost 3 babies. We lost our first baby boy when I was 15 weeks pregnant and twin girls when I was 9 weeks pregnant. The blog post that follows is one small piece of this journey where I write about the decision to use an egg donor. I invite you to read other blog posts here at www.31chances.com

Today happens to mark the 4 year anniversary of my first date with my husband. We have been through so much in those four years. Especially over the past two years in our journey to baby.

For more information on NIAW and to find out how you can connect with others suffering from infertility, please see this link as well as the links at the bottom of this post.

http://www.resolve.org/niaw

The DNA Decision

When we dream of having our own children, we wonder how our looks and personality will pass down to our baby. Will they have our nose, our eye color or hair color? Will they laugh like us, look like us, smile like us? Maybe she will be my strawberry-blond mini-me bringing on comments from friends saying, “she’s so cute, she looks just like you!” But how does this all change and how do we accept that this type of dream is gone, when the genetics are not ours? How do we decide to move forward with the journey to baby when we can’t have “our” baby? Surprisingly, the decision turned out to be quite simple. Not that there weren’t fears that came along with it, but as options dwindle, the path becomes clear and now here we are with our donor embryos. When successful IVF with my own eggs became such a remote possibility, our next logical step seemed to be adoption. But then we found out about egg donation. Knowing my first choice is to carry the pregnancy on my own and be in control of the health of the baby from day one, this became our next best option. The process with our agency was so respectful and comforting that it became such an exciting new path for us. We chose a donor that resembled me as closely as possible to my eye, hair and skin color. We were able to review medical history and a thorough profile including photos from various years of her life. And then we had the option to meet her. While all personal information including names are kept confidential, we were able to sit with her for an hour with our conversation guided by a psychologist. I left the meeting feeling so thrilled to now have insight into her personality, her childhood, her family, her hobbies, music interests, travel desires and mannerisms. I left there hoping I would be able to share this with my child someday.

Here are a few things that I wrote about her shortly after meeting her:

…She has a cute smile. I hope we will get to see that smile again. She’s confident, witty, smart, a hard worker and likes reggae, rap, hip-hop and Jimmy Buffet. She has green eyes that sparkle with a daring and adventurous spirit. Blond hair that was dyed a bright orange-red with a short, spunky haircut. When we walked in the office to meet her I went to shake her hand and was surprised and happy to be met by a hug.

…She warned us that she is adventurous and daring, apologizing ahead of time that we could have a child climbing the walls.

After going through two partial pregnancies and experiencing the love for the life growing within me; there was no longer a fear or thought that “this baby isn’t mine.” They all felt like mine from the moment I heard a heart beat. The genetics did not mean a thing when I saw them on the ultrasound. All I saw were my babies and all I felt was love. And isn’t it exciting to think of creating a child where there are no preconceived ideas of what they should be like because you expect them to be like you? How wonderful to let go of that and just let them grow and blossom into who they are meant to be! So, if our miracle comes and someone says, “she’s so cute, she looks just like you!” I will smile and know that it’s because our love and our connected souls are shining through her eyes (or his, I’m not picky). We will belong to each other.

For more information on the basic disease of infertility, visit:

http://www.resolve.org/about-infertility/what-is-infertility/

For more information about NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week), visit:

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html

Little Bunny Foo Foo

Posted on April 8, 2015August 2, 2015 by CJandMe

My dog has become so tolerant with these silly holiday photo shoots so of course I had to dress her up in bunny ears. She was so cute and as long as I keep the treats coming, she’ll sit still for some photos. While playing around with her and taking photos, I kept hearing this song in my head that my older sister used to sing to me when I was little.

Little bunny Foo Foo

Went hopping through the forest

Scooping up the field mice

And bopping them on the head

Down came the Good Fairy, and she said

“Little bunny Foo Foo

I don’t want to see you

Scooping up the field mice

And bopping them on the head.”

So many years have gone by and I can still hear her voice singing this to me in our parent’s kitchen.

Now, every time I look at these photos of my dog, this Bunny Foo Foo song pops into my head. A great reminder about the parts of my life that are right in front of me that make me smile and the wonderful people (and dog) that are in my life that I love so much.

I’m creating my own Spring Break from the repeated disappointment of failed embryo transfer cycles. With the last failed attempt in March, just days before the two year anniversary of losing my first baby, I knew it was time to stop this madness. At least for a while. I’m doing some spring cleaning of my mind and body and trying to forget about trying to make a baby. I joined a new gym and started new workouts. Without all the extra doctor appointments, I had time to fit in something new… Acupuncture. I’m really loving it. What a great way to address the stress that I’ve been through physically and mentally these past two years. It has been such a calming experience and I highly recommend it! I’m exploring my creative side and working on opening an Etsy shop with my photographs. I plan to spend these next three to four months recovering from the ups and downs of this very difficult process and hopefully get back to feeling “normal.”

Enjoy these photos of my Little Bunny Foo Foo. I hope she makes you smile too.

Photos by CJE

Are you brave enough to look in my window?

Posted on March 21, 2015August 2, 2015 by CJandMe

While reading other blogs about pregnancy loss, I’m reminded that this type of tragedy often leaves us feeling isolated in our grief. It is not a grief that is easily understood unless you’ve experienced it yourself. And I know that I could have never imagined that a journey like this would take me to such dark places. And I know I was not able to say the helpful words or offer the support needed to anyone else in this situation until I lived through my own terrible miscarriages. While in this space of grief, I go through the day facing people at work and in my life like it is just another day. And I smile and look normal. But on the inside, it just hurts so badly and only certain people know it’s there. And keeping it there for so very long is just plain exhausting. This has a lot to do with why I started writing. This blog is my grief that just sits and waits on the inside. The grief that nobody sees as they just walk on by. My words are the window that I’m opening for you to see my story. Are you brave enough to look inside?

While time heals grief and loss, there is something so different about losing a baby, no matter how early in pregnancy. There are just too many things to grieve. It is not just the beating heart inside of me that I fell in love with that is no longer there. It is every thought that entered my mind while pregnant that showed me a picture of that baby growing up. That showed me the sound of what it would be like to say their name or hear them giggle. A million beautiful, exciting, hopeful thoughts enter my heart and my mind and I think that maybe this time, I will be lucky. That this time I can experience the joy of pregnancy, instead of the fear of it being taken away. The grief is so raw and confusing when these lovely thoughts are so abruptly and shockingly halted and stripped away so violently and unfairly. And then there is another reason to grieve…that thought that never goes away…What if this is one step closer to me never having a baby? That is the fear that is sitting with me now.

Sometimes I can tuck the grief safely away and enjoy the present and everything else that my life is about. I will certainly not give up on happiness. Having a baby is not all life has to offer. But sometimes it is all consuming and overwhelming and while in this space, I just need to feel it. I need to let it be what it has to be until I can find my own way out of that darkness.

I have to give the sun a chance to shine through my window until the smile you see on my face is a real smile and what you see on the inside shines back again.

Photo by CJE – Paris