We decided to have a D&C (Dilation and Curettage) procedure in hopes of avoiding a spontaneous miscarriage. It was not an easy wait. Six days between finding out the heartbeats had stopped to having the procedure. We were on pins and needles those 6 days worrying I would miscarry. It made me afraid to leave the house…and so I didn’t. I did not want to go through that again. It’s also emotionally draining knowing I was carrying these babies of my dreams that were no longer living. In those six days I somewhat reached acceptance for the end of this pregnancy but also terribly saddened knowing the two little things would be physically taken away from me today. But we hoped the events of today would help us move on. We would start to put this behind us and look forward. My husband told me so many times today that he loved me, telling me I was brave and strong and said this isn’t the end of our journey. I was brought to tears several times at the hospital knowing how incredibly hard it was for us to get this far. Just for this one cycle thinking about all the doctor appointments, cycle planning, ultrasounds prepping for embryo transfer, daily injections, blood draws, coordinating medications with different pharmacies, and arranging time off work for every little step along the way. The first milestone of waiting the 9 days between the embryo transfer and first pregnancy test is torture. And now I’ve done that 5 times. I didn’t want to have to do that again. And then there are those other little things…I was so looking forward to pulling out my maternity clothes. It was so devastating having to pack them up the first time and hide them away. I’ve been waiting, and waiting, and waiting to wear them again. I had just ordered morning sickness hard candies that showed up yesterday in the mail. I was getting adjusted to my picky eating habits (and my husband putting up with them) and am now missing the morning sickness feelings that had reassured me for the first 8 weeks that I had life growing inside me. And the constant sneezing that had become a new companion while pregnant now seems to be gone. And I was certainly enjoying the fact that other family members had to take over kitty litter box cleaning duty. This Friday would have been the end of the daily intramuscular hormone injections required to support the pregnancy and that my poor booty had endured over the past couple of months. We were both really looking forward to that. It’s those little things that sting that I know will more easily fade away over time in comparison to the emotional impact of the two little dreams that disappeared. But the lingering reminders are still staring at me.

Photo by CJE