Again

pink and blue charms031815I really thought it worked this time. I actually felt pregnant. I didn’t think my mind was playing tricks on me as I’ve noticed the difference between the embryo transfer cycles where I’ve had a positive result or a negative result. Four days post embryo transfer I felt a sharp cramp or twinge in my uterus and had my fingers crossed it was due to implantation. I know I felt it again too within those 9 days of waiting. My breasts felt like they do when I’m pregnant as opposed to just symptomatic of the progesterone injections. By day seven, I actually started feeling morning sickness on and off.   I got my hopes up and thought this time I had a really good chance. I’m always afraid to tell my husband how I’m physically feeling, as I know my mind can play tricks on me and I don’t want to lead him in the wrong direction as to the possible outcome. Especially in this case, as I was worried I would get his hopes up and be wrong. And that’s what happened. Within two hours of getting my blood drawn, our dreams were once again crushed as we read the result of <1. Every time this happens, my immediate response is complete despair, and the fear that this may never happen for us.   I feel so angry about the cruelty of it all. A few days from now on March 23, will be the two year anniversary of losing our first baby Jaxon. Oh, how I had wished we could face that anniversary pregnant again, feeling his soul supporting us along the way. But right now it just feels like loss piled on top of loss.

While we were at the hospital today waiting for the test results, there was a mobile jewelry and accessories store by the cafeteria. I found these little necklace charms pictured here. I bought one in blue and two in pink in memory of our babies’ heartbeats that were with us so briefly.

Photo by CJE

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