Our Journey continues through week 7 of our pregnancy. We had our first ultrasound on Wednesday where I nearly had a panic attack and started crying while we waited for the doctor to enter the exam room. My last ultrasound in 2014 left me with the indelible image in my mind of two babies with no heartbeat. I was terrified that I wouldn’t get to see what I so badly hoped for in this ultrasound. The agony continued as it took a while to find the itty bitty blueberry sized being in my uterus. And finally, we found something and saw a very small, faint, flashing light. My doctor struggled to get a measurement of the heartbeat and we were not able to hear it. I was worried, but also relieved to see life. As he continued to try to get a clearer image, he suddenly said, “oh, there’s another baby.” (AKA Baby B). Now, let’s allow that to sink in. There’s a second baby.
Baby B had a strong heartbeat (which we could hear) and measured well for 7 weeks (7 weeks 1 day and 133 BPMs), while Baby A measured a bit smaller (6 weeks 6 days) and he was concerned about the weaker heartbeat. We were left with an uncertainty about Baby A and were told to be prepared that we may lose Baby A. If that happens, Baby B should still be fine, however that’s not easy to hear. I feel responsible for both of them and we just can’t say anymore goodbyes. Before leaving the appointment, my Dr said to me, “Do you know what I’ve been thinking about the past few weeks? That photo you showed me when we did the embryo transfer.” He gave me a hug before leaving the room.
We walked away from that appointment trying to feel happy… afterall, I really am pregnant! It’s still hard to believe. But we could not let go of our looming worry about Baby A. As we drove away, my husband said, “Is this every going to get easy? Do we ever get to stop worrying? Why isn’t this ever easy for us? I want to just be happy, but now we are both worried again!” He’s right, it’s not easy. We’ve had a lot stripped away from us over the past few years and a carefree, happy go lucky attitude about pregnancy does not exist for us. I know we so badly want to make it to a point where we can really enjoy this pregnancy and not be afraid to see a future with a baby or babies in our arms by next November.
We are encouraging our little babies every day to keep growing and cheering on Baby A. I keep thinking over and over in my head, “C’mon Baby A, you can do it!” Or as someone in my support group said, “Tighten up Baby A!” This morning my husband gave the babies a little pep talk too before leaving for work.
Feel free to send some cheers our way!
-Photo by Mary Bernsen