I haven’t written in quite awhile.  I needed a break from this life swirling around trying to get pregnant and losing pregnancies.

I’ve tried to take a break from it all but no matter how many things I try to do to march myself toward sunshine, my brain can’t stop thinking…

• Every detailed memory of 3 miscarriages
• trying again
• not trying again
• injections
• doctor appointments
• what’s next?
• what’s possible?
• what’s not possible?
• how much will it cost?
• I need to do a fundraiser campaign
• my good vein won’t give blood anymore
• ultrasound images
• I’m supposed to be in my second trimester
• Waiting to see a recurrent pregnancy loss specialist
• should I not eat gluten?
• don’t eat sugar
• I better stick to decaf coffee, no, I’ll have herbal tea…but wait I have to know what herbs are in it
• these maternity jeans are super comfortable and cute-maybe I’ll just keep wearing them anyway
• I’ve lost interest in pineapple and avocado
• there’s a pacifier sitting on my dresser
• my husband gave me a Star Wars bib
• there are baby books staring at me
• should I pack all this stuff?  I can’t look at them but I can’t touch them either
• my marriage is a stressful mess
• have I started my period yet?
• what cycle day is this?
• did I forget an injection?
• there’s a golf ball size knot in my glute full of ethyl oleate
• I better go to acupuncture
• is it my fault?
• what’s wrong with my uterus?
• I think it’s my fault
• Does stress cause miscarriage?
• do they know how much I love them?
• will we be together again?
• I haven’t named 4 of them, should I name them?
• maybe I should get a tattoo of 5 hearts
• I have to get through Mother’s Day
• Nope that’s not possible, I’ll cry all day and hide from the world 
• What do I get him for Father’s Day?
• can I do this again? what if I can’t?
• I saw a woman with a baby in the grocery store and now I can’t stop crying…in the grocery store
• What if I give up?
• How much does adoption cost?
• Will anyone pick us?
• What if we get a gestational carrier?
• What if we can’t afford it?
• What if she miscarries?
• It’s likely I’ll never experience a full term pregnancy.
• I just watched a Huggies commercial and my heart is breaking and hurting
• Should I become an infertility consultant?
• What if someone asks me to hold their baby?  I don’t think I can.
• I love them.  I feel them around me.
• My angels.  My 5 angels.

I’ve taken a break but all of this…it never stops.  It’s never finished.  Underneath my smiles, it still hurts, it still haunts me daily.  Today, I found the courage to pack up things that came my way in my third pregnancy.  Which meant I had to open the box.  Jaxon’s box.  I did it.  I packed it all away again.  But I can’t pack away everything.  I can’t pack away the heartbreak.