This is my FET cycle

Posted on November 7, 2015November 7, 2015 by CJandMe

Everybody who goes through IVF, IUI or an embryo transfer cycle will have a protocol designed specifically for them. While there are a lot of similarities with these well-established medical interventions to create the miracle we dream of, there are a lot of differences too. This is what my frozen embryo transfer cycle looks like for me…

For most of my cycles we have done a “controlled” cycle. This means that my cycle leading up to the embryo transfer is controlled by hormone injections (estrogen and progesterone). In the past I was able to try a natural cycle, which relied on my body’s own ability to manage my menstrual cycle and thickening of the uterine lining where there was minimal medication use. That worked one time, then the next try, my ovaries weren’t cooperating and we had to start over. In my controlled cycle, I start with a baseline ultrasound on day 2 or 3 of menstruation to check that the uterine lining is thinning and that there are no cysts developing on my ovaries. From there I start on Delestrogen intramuscular injections twice a week for a little less than two weeks. This also involves blood draws to check my estrogen levels and any necessary dosage adjustments. Another ultrasound is performed to check that the lining is thickening appropriately and to check that my ovaries are “quiet” and no cysts are developing. Then the progesterone injections start. My husband has become a pro at giving me injections. We went through IVF twice and have now made it through eight embryo transfers, plus a couple cancelled cycles. So, he’s really got this down.

Here’s the cool thing about the controlled cycle. The progesterone injections (which are daily) are required for 5 days and on the 6^th day, the embryo transfer occurs. This gives me and the doctor flexibility in scheduling the transfer because we can start the progesterone on the right day based on our schedules (well, mostly his schedule). Since we want to make sure we get to have “our” doctor for the transfer, we can make sure to set up the injection schedule accordingly as well as avoid weekends or holidays.

Here’s the tough part about the controlled cycle. Once the progesterone injections start, there are daily intramuscular injections into my hip/glute area. After doing SO MANY of these cycles, it’s getting pretty painful and there’s a build up of scar tissue and/or “oil” (ethyl oleate) from the medication settling into my muscles. Delestrogen and progesterone are oil based medications. After two very painful injections leading up to our transfer on Friday, we did learn some new tips from the nurse for intramuscular injections:

Use a cold pack on the area of injection for 10 minutes prior to injection
Immediately following injection, massage the injection site
Use warm compress on area of injection for 10 minutes after injection
Do glute and hamstring stretches to help the ethyl oleate part of the medication move through the muscles. This is what tends to build up. Even though the progesterone will get absorbed, the oil base of the medication can build up (yuck).
Make sure you understand the full surface area available for the injections. My husband had been using a smaller surface area which left us little real estate for repeated injections. After another session with a nurse, we discovered there was a bigger area we could use that was still safe.

The embryo transfer occurs on Day 6 after starting progesterone injections. The procedure itself is a simple one and just a bit uncomfortable. This has to be done on a full bladder to help visually guide the small catheter on the ultrasound through the cervix and into the uterus. The ultrasound wand is pressed on the lower abdomen…yep, right over bladder territory so that’s the biggest challenge. After a couple of rounds of verifying our information and number of embryos to be transferred, we are then ready to go. It’s very exciting to watch the catheter on the ultrasound make it’s way into the uterus where you can see it as a very faint white line with slight movement. Then the embryo is released and it is slightly visibly as a white flash or very small blob on the ultrasound screen. After the embryologist checks the catheter to confirm it’s empty, we are then free from medical intervention and now it’s up to luck, a healthy embryo and lots of baby dust and embryo sticky vibes to implant and make this miracle happen.

The embryologist brings us a photo of our little embryo and we get to feel hopeful and terrified for 10 days.

We get some time alone with our little embaby photo and think positive thoughts. Since my husband is a huge Star Wars fan, there were a lot of good vibes with references to Jedi’s and the force awakening in my uterus. Maybe it will work.

Our HCG blood test will be on November 15. We’ve been let down so many times. Please, please, please, let this be the one.

October: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Posted on October 8, 2015October 9, 2015 by CJandMe

I’ve been wanting to participate somehow in “Pregnancy Loss and Awareness Month” on my blog but the reminders of it all are putting me at a loss for words. Seeing more posts on social media about Pregnancy and Infant Loss is comforting and painful at the same time.

It seems impossible to find the words to express how much I miss and love the babies that I lost during pregnancy. And for those of you who have experienced it too, you have my deepest sympathy. We are connected in our grief and our recovery. We understand each other. We are not alone.

In loving memory of our baby boy Jaxon, and our twin girls who were not named. Thank you for the love that you gave me that grows stronger with every beat of my heart.

Photo by CJ

Strong Enough

Posted on September 28, 2015September 28, 2015 by CJandMe

September 22, 2012 was our wedding day. Last week we celebrated our three year wedding anniversary. We have not been married for a long time, but we have been through so much together. Today, I saw this quote floating around Facebook:

The couples that are “meant to be” are the ones who go through everything that is meant to tear them apart and come out even stronger than they were before.

We are definitely one of those couples. We have been faced with so much that is meant to tear us apart. I’m not sure if we are stronger yet, but I think we are at a place where we are strong enough. We seem to be in a constant state of “licking our wounds” with short breaks of stability and a chance to remember we can still be happy. Our three years of marriage have not been easy. Somehow we find a way not to give up…on our journey or each other. This marriage has not been all sunshine and roses. At times, we hang by a thread, and at times we can’t let go of each other. Our entire relationship has been overshadowed with fertility issues and two devastating pregnancy losses (amongst life’s other challenges). We’ve shared the roller coaster of hopefulness following an embryo transfer and have had to grieve in our own way every time it has failed. He’s had to watch me lose hope and he’s had to watch happiness fade from my eyes. When I’ve given up, he hasn’t. Somehow, that’s helped me come back to see the light again. When he’s lost, my strength comes back to find him.

Seeing this quote today reminded me that we are strong enough not to be torn apart no matter how close that feels sometimes. We love each other.

Photo by Mary Bernsen

Changing topics today…. Mental Health: It Takes one Person to Change a Mind

Posted on September 15, 2015September 15, 2015 by CJandMe

While I’ve continued to recover from a back injury and put TTC on hold, I’ve been able to focus a bit more attention on another topic that is very meaningful to my family and me. My sister writes a blog, “Out of A Great Need” which shares her compassionate journey as a care taker for a loved one living with a mental illness. While this journey can be filled with so much despair, fear and darkness, my sister’s approach is full of light, hope, education, advocacy, breaking down stigma, support, art, creativity, devotion, mindfulness, love and a “never give up” attitude. Instead of succumbing to negativity or lack of knowledge that has crossed her path, or our society’s slowly evolving view of mental illness, she routinely rises above and educates others to have a greater understanding of these diseases of the brain.

With Halloween approaching, she recently became aware of several costumes on many, many Halloween and costume websites that sell the following:

Children’s Gone Mental Costume (Some websites have changed the name due to feedback, Spirit Halloween has removed it from inventory due to feedback!)

Adult’s Cell Block Psycho Costume

This is an example of how far behind we are as a society to break down the stigma of mental illness. These costumes make light of a disease. These costumes hurt and discourage those suffering and those who care for them.

Today, she wrote a heartfelt post titled, “Why…Why this?” about why she’s talking to all of these companies to remove these costumes from inventory. I encourage you to read her post here and below is a quote from today’s post:

When I stumbled across the Gone Mental children’s costume, I was deeply saddened. This costume (and adult costumes like it) dishonors the dedication of those who provide professional care for our loved ones, it dishonors our families, our friends, it dishonors our children’s suffering and recovery. It dishonors our children’s lives lost along the way. It encourages fear, isolation and hopelessness. It discourages our children from seeking the help they so deserve.

My sister started an effort with these Halloween costumes to make a difference and to break down stigma. She started an effort to fight for those suffering and to honor those lost along the way. And it’s working. Spirit Halloween removed the Gone Mental costume from inventory. I’ve joined in this effort by writing letters to all the companies she has listed in her blog posts and writing on each company’s Facebook pages. I’ve also posted reviews of these costumes directly on some of their websites. Many mental health advocacy groups have joined her. Other bloggers have joined her. Friends and family have joined her. The author of the book, “The Noonday Demon”, Andrew Solomon is showing his support of her efforts through Facebook and has shared her recent blog post.

She is working hard to educate others to bring awareness to these illnesses and I was touched by her words on another recent blog post, titled, “And Now you Know“:

The more we speak from our hearts…in letters…emails…product reviews…the more we share our truth…the less likely we’ll have to tackle issues such as these mental patient costumes in the future.

Contacting these companies is simply a key to unlocking that “something greater”…not just for ourselves…but for generations to come.

Hopefully, by speaking from our hearts, people will start to listen. When they shop for Halloween costumes, they might pause…remember…and choose another costume that does not cause such suffering.

And maybe…just maybe…they will also remember our voices when they hear a cruel joke or witness alienation or bullying and say, “That’s enough. We know better now.”

If this topic peaks your interest, I ask for your continued awareness on this topic. Halloween costumes are one piece of negative stigma toward mental illness. Be aware of these costumes, be aware of people making comments that show lack of understanding or compassion towards those suffering. Be compassionate towards those suffering. If you are struggling, please don’t be afraid to ask for help.

For more information on my sister’s efforts, you can visit this blog post,

https://outofagreatneed.wordpress.com/2015/09/13/stay-the-course/

Photo by CJE

Angel Baby Keepsake

Posted on August 9, 2015August 9, 2015 by CJandMe

Having gone through the heartbreaking experience of two miscarriages (15 weeks and 9 weeks), I wanted to create something for other women experiencing this type of grief and loss. The words “Miscarriage” and “Pregnancy Loss” do not equate to the trauma experienced. At any stage of pregnancy, we have already become parents. We have fallen deeply in love with our unborn child. We have experienced hopes and dreams and ideas about what this baby will be like, how our lives will change, and the future we see for ourselves as a family. It is a loss that stings so deeply and it is a grief that some may never find peace with. It is a loss that many people do not talk about, but so many experience.

While first trimester miscarriage is common, there are those that have lost their baby during the second trimester. There are those trying to pull their lives back together after a stillbirth. I simply can’t imagine a pain so deep that would accompany these tragic losses. But those going through this heartache need love, support and acknowledgement of their grief and their baby who’s life was so terribly short.

But what do you say to someone who has experienced the loss of their pregnancy? The loss of their baby? For those of us who have had this experience, we are left with a loss that has nothing tangible to hold on to. We rely on the memory of the feeling of pregnancy and the bond and love that so quickly developed. There may be ultrasound images that we can save but are now so hard to look at. If you have not been through this type of loss, you may not know what to say or how to help. But here are some do’s and don’ts that I have found helpful and that I hear repeated in the community of women that have experienced miscarriage:

Please acknowledge our loss. Don’t pretend like it didn’t happen.
We are grieving deeply. There is no quick recovery.
If I’ve named my baby, it feels good to me to hear his name. To recognize that his life was real, that he is my son, and that I became a mother.
It’s ok to acknowledge our loss on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day to let us know you are thinking of us and know that we are heartbroken that our baby is not here.
Know that important dates are traumatic: the planned due date, the anniversary of the loss, the date we found out we were pregnant.
Be aware that for those dealing with infertility and experiencing the miracle of pregnancy through medical intervention, the loss is terrifying. We are not sure if we can ever get pregnant again.
Don’t say things like, “It was God’s Will”, or “It was not meant to be”.
Do not assume there must have been something wrong with the baby. (All three of my angel babies were genetically normal).
Do not insinuate that the mother and/or father did something wrong or that it was their fault.
Recognize that the person grieving may not be able to attend baby showers, or visit a friend or family member who recently had a baby. Give space without pressure or expectations in these situations.

In order to help those witnessing a loved one who is experiencing grief after the loss of their baby, I’ve created a gift that can be given to the woman or the parents of the unborn child. If you do not know what to say, this gift will provide the acknowledgement of the loss while also providing something for them to hold on to. I have created a hand made Angel Baby Keepsake gift box and card.

The outside of the gift box includes an ivory satin ribbon and silver angel charm. Inside the box, is a card decorated to hold their baby in memory and love. Included is a poem and pewter heart. The box can be further customized by the parents to add items such as an ultrasound image or to write notes to the baby or to add little items in memory of him or her.

To order: Visit my Etsy shop

Card Chic by CJ

This is Me

Posted on July 3, 2015August 2, 2015 by CJandMe

About six months ago when I started this blog, I wasn’t sure how I would feel about putting such personal and emotionally painful experiences into words for anyone to read. I wasn’t sure who else was out there that may be writing about miscarriages and infertility and whether or not connections would be created through the blogging world. It was a new realm of social media for me and I didn’t know what to expect. What would my friends and family think? What would my husband think? I had been writing for a couple of weeks before I even told my husband about my blog. With so much uncertainty, I decided to be an anonymous blogger.

When I started writing, I just knew that I needed this place to put my heartbreak and confusion and sadness. I needed a way to honor the babies that I had lost. I needed a way to tell people close to me what I had been through without having to talk through the story over and over again. I hoped that others would understand why I was writing and how much it helped me to share my story. Writing seems to give me a place to put my pain so that I don’t have to carry it with me all the time.

As I began writing, the connections slowly started with one “like” and one comment. I’m not a blogger with a lot of followers, but I have now connected with enough of you to know that in this journey, I am not alone. What I have discovered is that there are so many of us struggling with infertility, pregnancy loss or both. I have discovered that the stories are different but the pain and heartache are the same. I have discovered empathy and support from people that I’ve never met in person. I’ve discovered an online support group that I wish I had found 3 years ago. I don’t want to be anonymous behind my story. I’m so much more than the words that I share about this one part of my life.

So, here it goes. This is me.

My name is Chrissy and…..

I am 41 years old.

I love to go out walking with my dog and as you’ve seen in previous posts, I love my dog. She is a rescued pitbull and her name is Kaylee. I dress her up for holidays and take funny pictures of her.

I love photography and I enjoy taking pictures of anything that I think is pretty. I have my own Etsy shop where I sell cards of my photographs.

I hate to cook but married someone who loves to cook (thank goodness).

I met my husband on eHarmony. I never believed in love at first sight until I met him.

We got engaged 5 months later.

When I was a kid, I was a gymnast, a swimmer and a ballet dancer. I quit gymnastics and swimming almost 30 years ago but I can still do a cartwheel and I can still swim butterfly.

I am a stepmom to a teenage boy.

I’ve had an 18 year career in the biopharmaceutical industry.

Until I started this infertility journey I was very career driven. Now I’m very baby driven.

On our honeymoon, we got to go to many places including Paris, Aix-en-Provence, Nice, Cannes, and Monaco. It was a dream come true. I found out that Pierre Hermé macarons are delicious and it was worth our trek through Paris in the pouring rain to find them.

A few years ago I went on a 40 mile hike through Peru. I left within just days of meeting my husband. I came home with a $1,000 cell phone bill.

I have 3 siblings and I love them so much!

Sometimes I accidentally snort when I laugh.

I am a melanoma survivor.

I lost my Dad to cancer in 2008. I’ll never forget the sound of his voice when he said, “Hi Sweetie” and I’ll never forget his laugh.

My favorite flowers are Gerbera daisies.

I have a sweet tooth weakness for dark chocolate, chocolate cake and peppermint patties.

My guilty pleasure is watching “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette” TV shows. And by the way, if any of you are in Bachelor Nation, you’ve got to check out the blog, www.Ihategreenbeans.com for the Bachelor Recaps. You will not stop laughing.

I had a very happy childhood including an awesome teddy bear collection, wonderful grandparents, loving and dedicated parents, lots of pets, and my Dad rocket launching my sister and I into the air in every hotel pool we visited. My mom has been my rock through everything in life.

I think The Muppets are totally awesome.

“Sixteen Candles” is my favorite movie.

I think I have my mom’s eyes and my dad’s smile.

I love giggle fits with my sister.

Thanks for getting to know me.

Love,

Chrissy

Wedding photography: Mary Bernsen

Other images: CJE

A Hug for You on Mother’s Day

Posted on May 10, 2015August 2, 2015 by CJandMe

With all of my compassion and with pain in my heart, I reach out to those of you like me…who’s babies are angels…or who have tried, and tried and tried again to have children and have been left with empty arms…my love is here for us today. I know today is not an easy day. I hope that you all have the support you need to get through today. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. Sometimes just asking for a hug can make all the difference in the world. I’ll be keeping this blog post short as I think it’s best for me not to get too deep into the emotions of today.

I wanted to share with those of you who follow my blog, that I found another very helpful blog, and even more helpful, an associated private Facebook page for those women like us. I probably found it through one of your blog posts! The community of women on this private page are very supportive and all are going through different phases of infertility, or pregnancy after IVF, as well as those who have suffered miscarriages. I would encourage you to check it out:

www.missconceptioncoach.wordpress.com

From this page, you can click on the link, “become a member” and you can sign up for the private Facebook page. There have been a lot of helpful posts about Mother’s Day.

A big hug and lots of love to you today.

Photo by CJE – Peru

Two Year Anniversary, Missing Jaxon

Posted on March 23, 2015August 2, 2015 by CJandMe

Today is the two year anniversary of losing our baby Jaxon. I think the worst of the memories and heartache hit me last week and over the weekend. We spent all day Saturday planting flowers and it was a great way to distract myself and enjoy the time with my husband. It was good for us to both have some beautiful, bright colors to look at. And in the midst of all of our planting, we discovered that when our dog gets to spend that much time in the yard slightly unsupervised, she loves to dig. I gave her a treat and she spent so much time digging holes, burying it, unburying it, digging again…and again…and again. It was hysterical to watch because she would dig the shallow hole with her paws, and then bury the treat with her nose. Lots of pig-like snorting going on. A simple, sunny day in the yard was just what we needed.

That got me through Saturday, and then Sunday was just downhill all over again. Anniversaries of tragic events have a way of physically and emotionally consuming you from the inside out. I find that I have to face it head on, in order to move through the day in hopes of being stronger at the end of it. Today is a day we will honor his memory, but I’m just not sure how we want to do that yet. But first I will write.

After losing Jaxon, we had him cremated. As heartbreaking as it was to pick up his ashes, I had quite an amazing moment right in that instant. The man that we had worked with from the funeral home was named Alan. Which instantly gave me some peace, as that was my Dad’s name. Alan. And everyone called my Dad, Al. And we had named our son Jaxon Alan. We met Alan, the funeral director outside of a service that was just beginning. As my husband and I walked up to him, someone else was walking up to another man, saying “Hi Al.” I felt like I was surrounded by “Al” and I felt my Dad’s spirit washing over us at the moment we were handed our son’s ashes. I couldn’t bring myself to share this realization out loud to my husband until we had been sitting in the car for a while together. But as soon as I started to tell him, he said, “Yes, I know, I heard it too.”

My husband and I decided to spread Jaxon’s ashes in the ocean near our home. I was out for a walk one evening and decided to take a short detour off of my normal route. It was there I discovered a giant rock with the number 13 painted on it right by the water. And I realized this was the place we needed to spread his ashes. My husband has a birthday on the 13^th. Jaxon was supposed to be born on September 13, 2013. The number 13 just jumped out at me. So this was the place. It just felt right.

We decided to pick a song to play when we spread his ashes. There was a song that repeatedly played on the radio that summer and although we had not yet shared this with each other, it turned out both of us thought of Jaxon every time we heard it. It was “Gone, Gone, Gone” by Phillip Phillips. My husband and I climbed up on the rocks and we waited for the best wave to come up and help take his ashes away. And it was all so perfectly timed with the water and the words in the song. So perfect in fact, that we felt our baby with us so strongly in that moment. After we let him go, we just stood there on the rocks holding each other.

https://youtu.be/oozQ4yV__Vw

On the one year anniversary, we returned to our number 13 rock. My husband created a little bouquet of flowers from our yard and we placed them there. This is the photo you see with this post.

Today, 2 years later, we continue to love you, adore you and miss you…our baby Jaxon. Your heart forever in ours. Love, Mommy and Daddy.

Photos by CJE

Murphy: November-ish 1998 to February 20, 2015

Posted on February 22, 2015February 22, 2015 by CJandMe

My cat Murphy was my little buddy for the past 16+ years and she passed away a couple days ago. She was such a little fighter and held on to life until I decided she should no longer suffer. While this was another tough couple of weeks due to a negative pregnancy test post embryo transfer, it was even harder knowing I would have to say goodbye to my furry little friend. We’ve been together for so many years, that losing her forced me to reflect on everything I’ve experienced in the time that she’s been by my side. It was heartbreaking to let her go but I’m so thankful it was just me and her in the end and I could be with her to offer her peace in her final breath. It’s amazing the impact that our pets can have on our lives and how they can settle our mood in an instant. I will miss her very much.

Murphy was found on a farm in Davis, CA back in 1998. A friend working on the farm invited me to come meet her and as soon as I picked her up (she fit into the palm of my hands) we became family. Murphy had many years of enjoyment lounging around on the bed, in clean laundry, under blankies, in cat beds and well…just wherever she damn well pleased. She is survived by those she loved. Well, actually no, she is survived by one she loved, many she tolerated, a few she loved to torture and at least one she probably hated. I’m the one she loved. And I loved her. She followed me around everywhere the past 16 years, usually to the bathroom. She loved to walk right into the shower and wait for me to give her water to drink, trickling off my fingers. She loved to have her head scratched, but not much else or there could be hell to pay. She tolerated others that she lived with and was a good housemate to my husband. He was the back up feeder so she had to at least try to be nice. She tolerated my family members and some may have even gotten a chance to pat her on the head once or twice. She enjoyed torturing house-sitters when we went on vacation. She liked to sit on the toilet and scream at my friend to scare him out of the bathroom. Probably because she was waiting for me to show up. Murphy expressed her emotions through purring, meowing, hissing, eye contact (either expressing love, or you better get the hell away from me kind of looks), and peeing on stuff. She was known to hold her ground and even scared a man out of the house in her younger days. He was so scared that he called me at work asking how to get by her in the house (she was blocking a set of stairs, telling him he shall not pass). He was there to install a ceiling light. He was absolutely terrified. I called my friend and we laughed hysterically about it, but sadly, we were not able to help him. Murphy peed on the bed when she was mad or whatever. She ruined two mattresses until I finally figured out there was such a thing as waterproof mattress covers. She especially liked to pee on the bed when I lived with the guy who is now my ex-husband. She even peed on him in the bed one time. So, obviously I had to listen to her and leave him. The cat is always right.

Murphy hated: getting bopped on the belly by a Kaylee paw (our dog), getting brushed (unless it was on her head), being ignored, getting her nails trimmed, having anyone other than me live in her house.

Murphy loved: Greenies, catnip (fresh and in toys), sunbathing, frolicking in bushes, eating plants, especially fresh flowers like beautiful rose bouquets (sometimes knocking them over and totally not giving a shit about the destruction), white albacore tuna (especially the juice), drinking running water out of sinks and showers, peeing on anything when she was mad, hiding under the Christmas tree, and hissing at the dog. She also loved belly rubs…wait no she didn’t. Yes, maybe she did…well, no, definitely not. Wait yes…ummmm. No, definitely not.

Murphy passed away due to old age and renal failure. She was with her one and only truly loved one in the moment she passed, wrapped in a pink blankie and having her head gently rubbed.

The DNA Decision

Posted on January 8, 2015April 23, 2015 by CJandMe

When we dream of having our own children, we wonder how our looks and personality will pass down to our baby. Will they have our nose, our eye color or hair color? Will they laugh like us, look like us, smile like us? Maybe she will be my strawberry-blond mini-me bringing on comments from friends saying, “she’s so cute, she looks just like you!” But how does this all change and how do we accept that this type of dream is gone, when the genetics are not ours? How do we decide to move forward with the journey to baby when we can’t have “our” baby? Surprisingly, the decision turned out to be quite simple. Not that there weren’t fears that came along with it, but as options dwindle, the path becomes clear and now here we are with our donor embryos. When successful IVF with my own eggs became such a remote possibility, our next logical step seemed to be adoption. But then we found out about egg donation. Knowing my first choice is to carry the pregnancy on my own and be in control of the health of the baby from day one, this became our next best option. The process with our agency was so respectful and comforting that it became such an exciting new path for us. We chose a donor that resembled me as closely as possible to my eye, hair and skin color. We were able to review medical history and a thorough profile including photos from various years of her life. And then we had the option to meet her. While all personal information including names are kept confidential, we were able to sit with her for an hour with our conversation guided by a psychologist. I left the meeting feeling so thrilled to now have insight into her personality, her childhood, her family, her hobbies, music interests, travel desires and mannerisms. I left there hoping I would be able to share this with my child someday.

Here are a few things that I wrote about her shortly after meeting her:

…She has a cute smile. I hope we will get to see that smile again. She’s confident, witty, smart, a hard worker and likes reggae, rap, hip-hop and Jimmy Buffet. She has green eyes that sparkle with a daring and adventurous spirit. Blond hair that was dyed a bright orange-red with a short, spunky haircut. When we walked in the office to meet her I went to shake her hand and was surprised and happy to be met by a hug.

…She warned us that she is adventurous and daring, apologizing ahead of time that we could have a child climbing the walls.

After going through two partial pregnancies and experiencing the love for the life growing within me; there was no longer a fear or thought that “this baby isn’t mine.” They all felt like mine from the moment I heard a heart beat. The genetics did not mean a thing when I saw them on the ultrasound. All I saw were my babies and all I felt was love. And isn’t it exciting to think of creating a child where there are no preconceived ideas of what they should be like because you expect them to be like you? How wonderful to let go of that and just let them grow and blossom into who they are meant to be! So, if our miracle comes and someone says, “she’s so cute, she looks just like you!” I will smile and know that it’s because our love and our connected souls are shining through her eyes (or his, I’m not picky). We will belong to each other.

31chances

A journey of love, heartbeats and hope

love