Do you have a question? #startasking

Posted on April 26, 2016April 26, 2016 by CJandMe

bloggers-startasking-image

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week #NIAW sponsored by Resolve.org.

I started blogging in November of 2014 as a way to start healing from the loss of my second pregnancy. Now that I’m immersed in a social media community of those also struggling with infertility as well as recurrent pregnancy loss, it’s great to see all the support out there through blogs, private facebook groups and instagram, among many others. It’s amazing to me that we are able to connect with each other through common ground, even though we’ve never met in person. It’s incredibly powerful to read a comment on my blog saying that my writing brought them to tears because they’ve been through it too (thank you so much for that and for the courage to share your heartbreak). And I’ve read other blogs where every word could have been my own because I’ve been walking the same journey.

This week is a great opportunity for us to come together to share our stories, help each other realize we are not alone in our heartbreak and our struggles and to raise awareness in our communities. It’s also an opportunity to educate those around us that do not understand what we face through infertility and how we can be better supported. The theme for NIAW this year is #startasking.

I have several new followers and some that have stuck with me for quite some time now. To support the theme this year of #startasking, I thought instead of asking my own questions, I’d leave this open to you. Do you have a question? I now have nearly 4 years of experience directly dealing with infertility and trying to conceive…so feel free to ask me a question.

If you leave a question for me in the comments, I will collect all questions and answer them to the best of my ability on an upcoming blog post. My answers will be based on my own personal experience (not medical advice) and I can respond to the following topics:

IVF
Embryo Transfer (fresh and frozen) and personal medical protocol (injections)
Donor egg IVF
Sperm donation
Early pregnancy following embryo transfer
Miscarriage, pregnancy loss
D&C procedure due to pregnancy loss
Endometrial biopsy (AKA “scratch test”) to improve stickiness of lining for embryo attachment
Grief, loss and recovery (surviving miscarriage, surviving negative pregnancy test after embryo transfers)
helping a friend through infertility and/or miscarriage

Are you looking for more connections to help you through your journey? My favorite place to be is the private facebook group through www.missconceptioncoach.com. Many of us are already connected here, but if you are new to this journey, it’s a great place to start. You can request to become part of the group through her website. I’ve also found instagram to be a great source of connection for infertility and ttc. Here are some people that I follow on instagram:

howtobuyababy
dont_talk_about_the_baby
thescientificstork
ttcgreetingcards
caroline_induetime
thenilookupatthesky
lifeabundant_jw
missconceptioncoach
waitingforbabybird

As of this week, I’ve decided to link my own instagram to this blog, so I will be posting more on this topic and relating it to my blog on instagram (up until now, it’s mostly pictures of my dog and she’ll continue to make appearances). You can follow me at chrissyj_31chances

For additional support and resources, feel free to check out my resources tab on my website. I continue to add resources there as I learn about them. You can also view other blogs that I follow on my website if you are trying to find others to connect with in the blogging community regarding infertility and pregnancy loss.

Keep asking questions, reach out for support, connect with others. Please post your questions in the comments!

The Unopened Gift

Posted on April 25, 2016April 25, 2016 by CJandMe

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Trigger warning: This post is about pregnancy loss

Last Tuesday we went to what was supposed to be our “graduation day” from our fertility center. It was our 10 week ultrasound, one day early. I brought a gift for my doctor. I had framed the photo for him from “One Little White Light” as it was such a symbol of hope for all of us in the room. With high anticipation and holding our breath, we looked for the baby. But to our complete shock, there was no heartbeat. Again, our happiness crashing down around us in an instant. Darkness invading my mind. My heart breaking into a million pieces. Tears streaming. Shock. It’s not possible. This can’t be happening. I can’t do this again. I can’t do this again. I can’t do this again.

I was two days away from celebrating my last intra-muscular injection. I was in so much pain from those injections and was so close to this milestone. I had been counting down the days for the past two weeks, willing myself to get through each one, knowing it was best for the pregnancy. And then suddenly there was nothing to celebrate. Coming home from the doctor appointment, I had the gift bag in my hand and there is no one to give it to and there is no longer a reason to open it. What do I do with it?

And so it begins… the un-doing of a pregnancy and the dreams that came with it. I have to tell my friends and family that know I’m pregnant. Canceling doctor appointments, figuring out how to write the email to my work to let them know I won’t be back for awhile. Phone calls with my OB, a grueling confirmatory ultrasound, and calls with the hospital to schedule and prep for another D&C. Fighting the agony that comes from every image and thought that I’ve had in my head over the past 6 weeks since we got the positive pregnancy test. Realizing my morning sickness is quickly disappearing and fully aware that the hormonal changes coming my way are going to feel like crap. Watching my husband grieve but I can’t help him because I’m in too much pain and I can’t stop crying for hours and hours and hours. Letting go of how happy I felt every day waking up pregnant. Now faced with the fear of waking up in the night forced to realize that my baby is gone.

I had become so attached to an online support group for women who had become pregnant after their long time struggles with infertility. In the six weeks I was with the group, I had seen several babies born and several more were very close to coming into this world. There was a list of due dates going into December. There must have been at least 30 of us, with mine listed as November 16. November 16. Another date to add to my list of haunting dates. I had become attached to their stories, their daily posts about food cravings and appreciated discomforts, and birthing plans, and what to put on a registry, and photos of nurseries, and photos of newborns and simply the unwritten word that we all just understood each other…And I had to say goodbye.

In the doctor’s office after getting the news, my husband and I were left alone for awhile to deal with our new reality. I kept telling him, “I don’t want to go back, I don’t want to go back to the way it was before.” I had crossed the line from infertility and TTC to Babyland. I loved it here in Babyland. I did not want to go back to the stories of struggles and pain and suffering and what if’s and waiting and loss and heartbreak. I didn’t want to go back. Please don’t make me go back.

The framed photo I brought for my doctor was now an image that tore through my heart like the most cruel joke that could be played on me. I had wanted to hang that photo in our nursery. That day on the beach…it was our beautiful gift. Now, never to be opened.

“Don’t Talk about the Baby”

Posted on April 1, 2016 by CJandMe

Donttalkaboutthebaby-Match Me

For those of you who have suffered through infertility and/or pregnancy loss, I think you’ll be very interested in this documentary currently in the works. It’s called, “Don’t Talk About the Baby.”

Check them out at Seed&Spark, where they are working to raise funds for the project:

https://www.seedandspark.com/studio/dont-talk-about-the-baby#updates

You can also follow them on their website and Instagram:

http://www.donttalkaboutthebaby.com

https://www.instagram.com/dont_talk_about_the_baby/

Be our Rainbow Baby, baby

Posted on March 13, 2016 by CJandMe

HCG results 0309 031116

I crumbled into a heap of tears when I saw the number.

282.

Compared to my two previous pregnancies, this is my highest HCG number. We were thrilled, relieved, happy and terrified. The first big hurdle of many to come. Now, to calm my anxieties for the second HCG test 48 hours later. The number is supposed to at least double and that did not happen with my other two pregnancies, resulting in early ultrasounds, extra blood tests and a lot of extra worry. Anxiously waiting one more dreaded hour for the results to come through the lab and there it was.

636.

In that instant the weight and misery of infertility and pregnancy loss lifted off of me, leaving me with happiness. In that moment the stress on our marriage dissipated and there we were, sitting together as a happy husband and wife with a lot of hope.

So, here we go. Our first ultrasound will be at 7 weeks. Our due date is November 16. Please baby, hang in there. Be our rainbow baby. We love you already.

One Little White Light

Posted on March 2, 2016March 2, 2016 by CJandMe

It seems that at this point I should have lost count, but I can’t because I know how many I have lost. I try to let the numbers and dates stay blurry, but I know how old my first baby should be. He should be 2 and a half. I purposely try not to remember the due date of the twins. But I can still see their heartbeats. There are six other embryos that disappeared somewhere in between the transfer to my body and the pregnancy test. On Monday, I had my ninth embryo transfer. Two more embryos.

On Monday morning before the transfer, I went for a walk with my dog. I had a choice to go left or right on the trail and decided to go right. We ended up near a beach where she loves to play catch but we didn’t have time for that…but she pulled me out to the beach anyway, looking back at me expectantly with a huge wide smile and tongue hanging out. The beach was empty except for the stroller in this photo. For a second I thought, well maybe my baby is right there waiting for me! Well, no that wasn’t the case, but I tried to view this as a hopeful moment. Somehow, maybe this is a sign. My babies that are watching over me and the baby that is still to be is here with me in this moment. A moment to give me courage to try again. To wait those nine hopeful, yet agonizing days again waiting for the pregnancy test.

stroller on the beach

The sun was blinding me, but I snapped a photo anyway, not quite sure what I would end up with. I wanted to be reminded of the stroller that was in my path. As I faced the stroller and the rock wall where we had once stood to spread our baby Jaxon’s ashes, I could feel them all with me. A little white light ended up in the photo and I choose to see the souls that I love so much in that light.

One little white light, Two embryos, Nine days to wait. Trying one more time.

2 embryos

Spreading Some Love

Posted on January 28, 2016January 28, 2016 by CJandMe

iloveyou

I have not felt up to writing since Christmas, where even my last post was a very brief one. In the mean time, we’ve been gearing up for another embryo transfer cycle and coordinating a two-cycle approach again with an endometrial biopsy. This is in hopes of making my uterine lining more “sticky” for the embaby. The procedure will be tomorrow.

Our TTC journey has faded a bit to the background lately due to the holidays and also having a terribly difficult time trying to help and just make it through a daily family life where my step-son is dealing with some very serious mental and behavioral health issues. While this isn’t something I discuss here in order to protect his own privacy, I will say that it has been a very dark and difficult place for him and of course for all of us involved in helping him. I have another family member who remains to be my light as we trudge through this very difficult journey. I’ve talked about brain illnesses in a previous post and love every opportunity to share my family member’s blog as it could help so many people:

https://outofagreatneed.wordpress.com

In the midst of all of these difficulties in addition to our TTC struggles, I feel compelled to bring beauty and happiness into my life daily. It has helped me find joy in little things and I look for them everywhere. I got stuck in horrible traffic yesterday morning but enjoyed watching the sky during sunrise and found the moon still lurking around as it became daylight. I just signed up for ballet lessons and I’ve been looking forward to class all week. Plus our teacher is a REAL ballerina and that just brings out the giddy little girl in me in awe of the presence of a ballerina.

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I enjoy photography because it keeps my eyes open for pretty things and I don’t want to miss them. I love my dog and every time I’ve had a rough day and she goes nuts with tail wagging and silly antics seeing me come home, I can’t help but laugh.

Last weekend I decided to enjoy my time by taking photographs to make Valentine cards. I think they turned out pretty cute so I thought I’d share a few with you to spread some love. I hope the bright colors and use of Lego mini-figures brings you a little joy.

If you do like what you see, I plan to have these available on my Etsy site this weekend, so you can browse there as well.

Card Chic by CJ

Spreading love out to all of you and hope you are surprised with the little bits of beauty and happiness that surround you every day.

-Photos by CJE

GIVE THANKS: #GivingTuesday

Posted on November 7, 2015 by CJandMe

The Resolve.org #GivingTuesday topic for November is “Give Thanks” What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving season? For this topic, I’m re-posting a previous blog post titled: Thankful, Making Jaxon which I wrote last year on Thanksgiving day.

If you would like to get involved with the #GivingTuesday campaign with Resolve.org, please check out my previous post for details: Resolve Giving Tuesday Campaign

Thankful, Making Jaxon

It’s a different Thanksgiving today. No plans, no travel, no getting together with family. I think I may watch the Thanksgiving Day Parade and bake something made out of pumpkin and enjoy the sounds and smells of my husband cooking turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes. It will just be a day for us. With the events of this week, I didn’t have it in me to put on a brave face and a smile to visit with anyone. It feels better to stay home without any pressure or schedule, plus the dog is happily snoozing next to me. While I sit here watching the pre-show of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, I’m reminded of Thanksgiving from two years ago. It was just the beginning of making Jaxon. The 2012 holiday season was our first round of IVF. We launched into the process as soon as we had returned from our honeymoon and not long after celebrating the new year of 2013, we found out it worked on our first try. I was pregnant! Could we really be this lucky? Our first try and it worked? It was incredibly exciting but then so quickly coupled with a random health event that clouded the enjoyment through the first six weeks of the pregnancy. Two days after the embryo transfer I had unusual breast changes that first appeared to be an infection. I went to an urgent care clinic and was treated with antibiotics. Nothing changed. For the next six weeks I went back and forth between my OB/GYN, a breast surgeon and an infectious disease specialist. Since I could not have a mammogram, it was harder to determine a diagnosis or quickly rule out various concerns. We kept trying different antibiotics for a while, with my doctors still leaning toward treating an infection. No change. Then there were scarier possibilities that would not only risk my pregnancy, but my life. The next step was a biopsy where we hoped to eliminate the worst of the possibilities. But now the worst of the possibilities was all I could think about. After six weeks terrified of what this could be, we finally had an answer. It was simply benign, and random, and unexplainable. All those weeks of doctor appointments, and worry, and stress, and the distraction from bonding with my pregnancy was finally over. And I was fine. The relief I felt when my doctor called me on a Friday night to tell me I was ok was a wonderful moment and such a huge relief. I could feel my whole body rejecting the claws of tension that had held on so tightly for those long weeks. And I was so thankful. I could finally just enjoy this pregnancy and focus on this new little life. Now, it was just normal pregnancy doctor appointments and ultrasounds. My favorite, at approximately 11 weeks where we got to see so much detail of our growing baby and his cute little movements. At about 13 weeks we announced our pregnancy to everyone. EVERYONE. We enclosed the photo attached to this post in our wedding thank you cards. A photo to quickly spread happiness to everyone nearest and dearest to us. However, the joy of sharing the news and the relief of transitioning to my second trimester of pregnancy was so cruelly short-lived. I started having problems right after 13 weeks and by 15 weeks he was gone. At the end of it all, with only a few ounces of perfection resting on my chest, I have never felt anything heavier sinking so deeply into my heart. The most precious, beautiful face I had ever seen. A cute little button nose and the littlest fingers and toes. And while my mind was still in shock in that horrific moment, I knew I had been given the biggest love I had ever known. Today I am thankful that I can still see his face and still feel that love from our baby named Jaxon. I know that for all that was so painfully stripped away from us that day, the love still remains. And when my husband speaks his name in heartfelt memory, I am thankful.

Photo by CJE

October: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Posted on October 8, 2015October 9, 2015 by CJandMe

I’ve been wanting to participate somehow in “Pregnancy Loss and Awareness Month” on my blog but the reminders of it all are putting me at a loss for words. Seeing more posts on social media about Pregnancy and Infant Loss is comforting and painful at the same time.

It seems impossible to find the words to express how much I miss and love the babies that I lost during pregnancy. And for those of you who have experienced it too, you have my deepest sympathy. We are connected in our grief and our recovery. We understand each other. We are not alone.

In loving memory of our baby boy Jaxon, and our twin girls who were not named. Thank you for the love that you gave me that grows stronger with every beat of my heart.

Photo by CJ

Strong Enough

Posted on September 28, 2015September 28, 2015 by CJandMe

September 22, 2012 was our wedding day. Last week we celebrated our three year wedding anniversary. We have not been married for a long time, but we have been through so much together. Today, I saw this quote floating around Facebook:

The couples that are “meant to be” are the ones who go through everything that is meant to tear them apart and come out even stronger than they were before.

We are definitely one of those couples. We have been faced with so much that is meant to tear us apart. I’m not sure if we are stronger yet, but I think we are at a place where we are strong enough. We seem to be in a constant state of “licking our wounds” with short breaks of stability and a chance to remember we can still be happy. Our three years of marriage have not been easy. Somehow we find a way not to give up…on our journey or each other. This marriage has not been all sunshine and roses. At times, we hang by a thread, and at times we can’t let go of each other. Our entire relationship has been overshadowed with fertility issues and two devastating pregnancy losses (amongst life’s other challenges). We’ve shared the roller coaster of hopefulness following an embryo transfer and have had to grieve in our own way every time it has failed. He’s had to watch me lose hope and he’s had to watch happiness fade from my eyes. When I’ve given up, he hasn’t. Somehow, that’s helped me come back to see the light again. When he’s lost, my strength comes back to find him.

Seeing this quote today reminded me that we are strong enough not to be torn apart no matter how close that feels sometimes. We love each other.

Photo by Mary Bernsen

This is Me

Posted on July 3, 2015August 2, 2015 by CJandMe

About six months ago when I started this blog, I wasn’t sure how I would feel about putting such personal and emotionally painful experiences into words for anyone to read. I wasn’t sure who else was out there that may be writing about miscarriages and infertility and whether or not connections would be created through the blogging world. It was a new realm of social media for me and I didn’t know what to expect. What would my friends and family think? What would my husband think? I had been writing for a couple of weeks before I even told my husband about my blog. With so much uncertainty, I decided to be an anonymous blogger.

When I started writing, I just knew that I needed this place to put my heartbreak and confusion and sadness. I needed a way to honor the babies that I had lost. I needed a way to tell people close to me what I had been through without having to talk through the story over and over again. I hoped that others would understand why I was writing and how much it helped me to share my story. Writing seems to give me a place to put my pain so that I don’t have to carry it with me all the time.

As I began writing, the connections slowly started with one “like” and one comment. I’m not a blogger with a lot of followers, but I have now connected with enough of you to know that in this journey, I am not alone. What I have discovered is that there are so many of us struggling with infertility, pregnancy loss or both. I have discovered that the stories are different but the pain and heartache are the same. I have discovered empathy and support from people that I’ve never met in person. I’ve discovered an online support group that I wish I had found 3 years ago. I don’t want to be anonymous behind my story. I’m so much more than the words that I share about this one part of my life.

So, here it goes. This is me.

My name is Chrissy and…..

I am 41 years old.

I love to go out walking with my dog and as you’ve seen in previous posts, I love my dog. She is a rescued pitbull and her name is Kaylee. I dress her up for holidays and take funny pictures of her.

I love photography and I enjoy taking pictures of anything that I think is pretty. I have my own Etsy shop where I sell cards of my photographs.

I hate to cook but married someone who loves to cook (thank goodness).

I met my husband on eHarmony. I never believed in love at first sight until I met him.

We got engaged 5 months later.

When I was a kid, I was a gymnast, a swimmer and a ballet dancer. I quit gymnastics and swimming almost 30 years ago but I can still do a cartwheel and I can still swim butterfly.

I am a stepmom to a teenage boy.

I’ve had an 18 year career in the biopharmaceutical industry.

Until I started this infertility journey I was very career driven. Now I’m very baby driven.

On our honeymoon, we got to go to many places including Paris, Aix-en-Provence, Nice, Cannes, and Monaco. It was a dream come true. I found out that Pierre Hermé macarons are delicious and it was worth our trek through Paris in the pouring rain to find them.

A few years ago I went on a 40 mile hike through Peru. I left within just days of meeting my husband. I came home with a $1,000 cell phone bill.

I have 3 siblings and I love them so much!

Sometimes I accidentally snort when I laugh.

I am a melanoma survivor.

I lost my Dad to cancer in 2008. I’ll never forget the sound of his voice when he said, “Hi Sweetie” and I’ll never forget his laugh.

My favorite flowers are Gerbera daisies.

I have a sweet tooth weakness for dark chocolate, chocolate cake and peppermint patties.

My guilty pleasure is watching “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette” TV shows. And by the way, if any of you are in Bachelor Nation, you’ve got to check out the blog, www.Ihategreenbeans.com for the Bachelor Recaps. You will not stop laughing.

I had a very happy childhood including an awesome teddy bear collection, wonderful grandparents, loving and dedicated parents, lots of pets, and my Dad rocket launching my sister and I into the air in every hotel pool we visited. My mom has been my rock through everything in life.

I think The Muppets are totally awesome.

“Sixteen Candles” is my favorite movie.

I think I have my mom’s eyes and my dad’s smile.

I love giggle fits with my sister.

Thanks for getting to know me.

Love,

Chrissy

Wedding photography: Mary Bernsen

Other images: CJE