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Something Different

Posted on by CJandMe

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Since April, I have spent the remainder of the year recovering from another pregnancy loss, exploring the reason for my losses with multiple doctors, and trying to get back to a place where I can do this again.  Being on an extended break from embryo transfers brings back openings to my life where I can do some of the things I have had to put on hold, over and over again.  But the many months I’ve had to wait terrifies me too.  If I wait too long, I worry, that maybe I’ll give up completely.

Here I am, still waiting.  So, what do I write about now?  I’m thinking something different.

In my extended break from the vicious cycle of infertility, pregnancy and loss, I had the opportunity to participate in something amazing.  If you’ve been following my blog, you may have noticed I enjoy photography as a hobby.  Photography brings me a lot of joy and it’s a skill always in development.  This month, I attended Firefly Institute, a photography camp for women.   This was an experience of a lifetime.  Surrounded by fifty women, all with a love of photography, and the ability to see beauty in the little things.  Instant friendships formed and inspiring images were created.  I felt loved and appreciated just by being present and being me.  We each got to take five classes and I gravitated towards classes on composition, iphone photography, social media and writing and photography.

Here’s my something different for my blog today.  In the writing and photography class, one of the prompts was to pick a photograph from childhood and write to my younger self.

I didn’t want to write about giving advice or how to prepare for what is to come.  I wanted to write about our lives in parallel, grateful and fortunate and loved and a knowing from an early age that “I’ve got this.”  I was inspired by this set of images feeding animals with my sister, parents and grandparents.

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To My Younger Self…

You’ve got it girl—
happiness
love
family
the best family
sports
art
friends
cute pony tails
a sister
who envies your pink room
She loves you but will always hold that against you (‘cause her room was yellow)
And she thinks you are perfect
But we know we aren’t
You’ve got your shit together
Just don’t say shit to Grandma
Oh, you are only two and it’s too late
Maybe you should apologize
But not for your beautiful life

Here are a few images from my stay at Firefly Institute (located at Westerbeke Ranch, Sonoma, CA)

 

Photos by CJE

Out of the Darkness, the Light of an Angel

Posted on by CJandMe

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There have now been many times in my life that I reflect on as my darkest hour.  Not just one.  Many.  Many, many hours of darkness.  Every pregnancy loss, every failed embryo transfer, the death of a loved one.  My third pregnancy loss left me feeling empty and hopeless like I was living in a blank space for a while.  Yet somehow as I crawl or walk or fall down or stumble through the periods of grief, trauma and pain that turn life colorless and dark, there is someone there reaching out a hand and bringing the light back.  I’ve worked very hard since my third pregnancy loss to make my world colorful and bright again.  But it wouldn’t be the same beautiful place without the gifts of light coming to me from my friends, my family and my husband.  This experience with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss has created new relationships.  Bonds created easily through similar experiences of loss and struggles to make a baby.  The online support group I joined (that I now consider a miraculous discovery) has brought some amazing women into my life.  One of whom reached out to me after my last miscarriage and sent me an open invitation to her home…whenever I was ready…whenever I needed to get away…whenever I just needed some girl time and a break from my life.  It took me about 4 months to take her up on that offer.

A couple weeks ago I flew to LA and there she was – my new friend, my sister in this journey, an open heart and an open hand.  A woman full of words of hope and support and encouragement.  A woman full of hugs that would carry me through another embryo transfer cycle and another set of holidays without a baby in my arms.  A woman who knew my pain and shared in it so deeply, her eyes would tear up when she talked to me about what I had been through.  A woman full of so much generosity and sincerity, she warmed my heart and re-filled my soul with her kindness and optimism.

There she was – The light in the darkness – An angel reaching out to me and her name is Carolina.

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moon-angel

I captured this photo at the beginning of this year.  Thinking I was just trying to capture the moon, I somehow ended up with the image of an Angel.  The moon is her heart.  I can see her wings.  The light of our babies’ souls being held in her hands, preparing them to be angels too.

Everyone wants to be the sun to lighten up someone’s life,

but why not be the moon,

to brighten in the darkest hour.

Unlocking the Mystery of Miscarriage

Posted on by CJandMe

sunset

For those of us who have suffered through miscarriage, one of the most difficult aspects to emotional recovery and trying to find peace after enduring the grieving process is that we can be left in a constant search for Why.  Quite often miscarriage is simply unfair and unexplainable, leaving us with a dangerous mind game of blaming ourselves…

  • I had some decaf coffee.  How much caffeine is in a decaf coffee?  What was I thinking?
  • I ate gluten, wait maybe I should be eating gluten.
  • I ate some chocolate, OMG I need to cut back on sugar.  Ooh, is that a cupcake?  Damn, this is all my fault.
  • I got in a fight with my husband and got really stressed out.  We got in another fight and I was crying too much.  I stressed out my body, it’s my fault.
  • I had a rough week at work and I was totally exhausted.  It’s my fault because I didn’t put myself on bed rest for the first 6 weeks of pregnancy.
  • Maybe I exercised too much
  • I didn’t exercise enough
  • I didn’t get enough sleep
  • I’m sleeping too much
  • I’m overweight and my BMI is too high
  • I had an herbal tea.  Oh shit, what herbs were in that tea?
  • My fears and anxiety over pregnancy caused me to lose the baby
  • God is punishing me
  • I didn’t love the baby enough
  • I should have been eating flax seed crackers instead of graham crackers
  • My uterus is uninhabitable, or tilted, or shaped funny.  Wait, what size and shape is my uterus supposed to be?
  • Does my cervix know what it’s supposed to do?  Is it incompetent?  Is it confused?
  • Oh crap, was I drinking out of a water bottle that wasn’t BPA free?
  • I ate some meat that wasn’t organic and grass fed.

If you’ve been through this, you know that the list can go on and on.  No matter how many doctors tell you it’s not your fault, when left with no medical reasons, our devotion to the role of motherhood can cause us to carry blame for the sake of protecting and mothering the baby that we lost.

For quick reference, here’s a good read on the top reasons for miscarriage:

Reasons for Miscarriage

When I had my first miscarriage, I recall my OB/GYN saying that it was horribly bad luck.  It was like a lightning strike. (The first loss was due to a subchorionic hemorrhage at 15 weeks).  After my second loss, again it appeared to be bad luck.  I had become pregnant with identical twins following the transfer of one embryo.  It was perhaps the result of them competing against each other and I lost them around 9 weeks.  The third was twins again, following the transfer of two embryos.  I lost this pregnancy around 9 weeks and we were left with a mystery, confusion and hopelessness.  Testing was completed for all three losses and each one found to be genetically normal.  Is there something linking all three of these losses?  Something not yet detected?  Can it just be random bad luck three pregnancies in a row?  Or does each one have a different reason lingering behind the loss?

My husband and I were at a loss.  My OB/GYN was at a loss.  My fertility specialist was left speechless.  All of us shocked, hurt and not sure what to do next.  Following my third miscarriage, we were referred to a recurrent pregnancy loss specialist at Stanford Fertility and Reproductive Health.  What follows is a list of tests that I’ve been through following each miscarriage in case it is helpful to those of you in a similar situation.

Miscarriage 1:

Miscarriage 2:

No additional testing

Miscarriage 3:

  • Hysteroscopy
  • Comprehensive metabolic panel
  • C-reactive protein
  • Anti TPO Antibody
  • TSH (again)
  • Hemoglobin A1C
  • CBC
  • Antiphospholipid Antibody Expanded Panel (includes the following)-See link below for article on Antiphospholipid Syndrome (APS):
    • Lupus Anticoagulant
    • Anticardiolipin
    • AntiB2glycoprotein 1
    • Antiphosphatidyl ethanolamine
    • Antiphosphatidyl serine
    • Antiphosphatidic acid
    • Antiphosphatidyl glycerol
    • Antiphosphatidyl inositol

Out of all of these blood tests, did we find an answer?  Have we unlocked the mystery of my miscarriages?  Well, kind of, maybe…we have a clue but it could be inconclusive…but it’s a good enough clue to act on it.  The good news is that after all these tests, I know that I’m not diabetic, I don’t have an autoimmune disease, or thyroid problem and my uterus is in great shape!

While the results from these tests did not give a medical textbook answer, we did find a combination of things that could mean something and this came out of the Antiphospholipid Antibody Expanded Panel.  One of these (Antiphosphatidyl-inositol IgG) gave a result as “indeterminate” rather than negative.  You’ll notice in these lists of tests that there are several that relate to blood clotting factors.  During pregnancy, the blood thickens and changes in other ways that I won’t try to explain because I’m not an expert but this is all important in relation to blood supply to the placenta and survival of the fetus.  In my case, the combination of this indeterminate result with the timing of my miscarriages (15 weeks and 9 weeks) and the fact that all were genetically normal puts me in a possible diagnosis of Antiphospholipid Syndrome (APS).  While this is not exact evidence of APS, there is enough reason to believe that I could try to become pregnant again with the treatment of Heparin and baby aspirin daily during pregnancy.  For details on APS, check out this informative article

The investigative work is not yet quite over.  I’m still going to be meeting with a perinatal specialist to go over all of this as well, but I have a feeling we won’t get much more information than we have now.  From there, this big question will continue to linger…can I mentally, physically and emotionally hold up for another try?

 

Appendix:

Since I took the time to look up my tests, here’s a list of testing done for IVF and FETs:

Pre-IVF:

  • Prolactin
  • TSH (repeated approximately yearly)
  • FSH (day 3)
  • E2, Pre-Cycle (day 3)
  • Anti-Mullerian Hormone (AMH)
  • 17-alpha-Hydroxyprogesterone LCMS
  • FSH (day 3) repeated 2 months later
  • E2, Pre-Cycle (day 3) repeated 2 months later
  • Tested for various STDs
  • RPR/VDRL-Rapid Plasma Reagin, Qual
  • CBC (repeated throughout process of FET’s)
  • Blood typing, RH Type
  • Vitamin D (repeated throughout process of FET’s)
  • Cystic Fibrosis Profile
  • Anti-Mullerian Hormone (AMH) tested again

IVF cycle and FET cycles:

  • Follicular ultrasounds (repeated through cycle)
  • Estradiol (repeated through cycle)
  • Progesterone

Photo by CJE

#Whathealsyou

Posted on by CJandMe

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I wanted to share the beautiful photography and artwork by Carly Marie Dudley with you.  I ordered this photo in memory of my first baby lost at 15 weeks of my pregnancy.  If you are not familiar with her work, I urge you to check out her website:

Carly Marie Project Heal

She creates incredible sunset and beach artwork from Australia and also creates these images as a personalized order with the name written in the sand of a lost baby or child.

Coming up on August 19 – Day of Hope Prayer Flag Project

Day of Hope Prayer Flag Project

Carly Marie turns loss into beauty, love and healing for all of us.

Photography and artwork by Carly Marie Dudley

I can’t pack away heartbreak

Posted on by CJandMe


I haven’t written in quite awhile.  I needed a break from this life swirling around trying to get pregnant and losing pregnancies.

I’ve tried to take a break from it all but no matter how many things I try to do to march myself toward sunshine, my brain can’t stop thinking…

  • Every detailed memory of 3 miscarriages
  • trying again
  • not trying again
  • injections
  • doctor appointments
  • what’s next?
  • what’s possible?
  • what’s not possible?
  • how much will it cost?
  • I need to do a fundraiser campaign
  • my good vein won’t give blood anymore
  • ultrasound images
  • I’m supposed to be in my second trimester
  • Waiting to see a recurrent pregnancy loss specialist
  • should I not eat gluten?
  • don’t eat sugar
  • I better stick to decaf coffee, no, I’ll have herbal tea…but wait I have to know what herbs are in it
  • these maternity jeans are super comfortable and cute-maybe I’ll just keep wearing them anyway
  • I’ve lost interest in pineapple and avocado
  • there’s a pacifier sitting on my dresser
  • my husband gave me a Star Wars bib
  • there are baby books staring at me
  • should I pack all this stuff?  I can’t look at them but I can’t touch them either
  • my marriage is a stressful mess
  • have I started my period yet?
  • what cycle day is this?
  • did I forget an injection?
  • there’s a golf ball size knot in my glute full of ethyl oleate
  • I better go to acupuncture
  • is it my fault?
  • what’s wrong with my uterus?
  • I think it’s my fault
  • Does stress cause miscarriage?
  • do they know how much I love them?
  • will we be together again?
  • I haven’t named 4 of them, should I name them?
  • maybe I should get a tattoo of 5 hearts
  • I have to get through Mother’s Day
  • Nope that’s not possible, I’ll cry all day and hide from the world 
  • What do I get him for Father’s Day?
  • can I do this again? what if I can’t?
  • I saw a woman with a baby in the grocery store and now I can’t stop crying…in the grocery store
  • What if I give up?
  • How much does adoption cost?
  • Will anyone pick us?
  • What if we get a gestational carrier?
  • What if we can’t afford it?
  • What if she miscarries?
  • It’s likely I’ll never experience a full term pregnancy.
  • I just watched a Huggies commercial and my heart is breaking and hurting
  • Should I become an infertility consultant?
  • What if someone asks me to hold their baby?  I don’t think I can.
  • I love them.  I feel them around me.
  • My angels.  My 5 angels.

I’ve taken a break but all of this…it never stops.  It’s never finished.  Underneath my smiles, it still hurts, it still haunts me daily.  Today, I found the courage to pack up things that came my way in my third pregnancy.  Which meant I had to open the box.  Jaxon’s box.  I did it.  I packed it all away again.  But I can’t pack away everything.  I can’t pack away the heartbreak.

A Blessing for Mamas

Posted on by CJandMe

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Mother’s Day was hard.  No words would come to me.  I couldn’t think of anything to write in my blog.  My thoughts and pain were stuck in my head and in my heart.  The day felt like a complete disappointment.  I thought about my Mom and how much I love her.  I’m so grateful for the life she has given me and what she continues to give every day of my life. And I’m thankful that she is just a phone call away.  I wished her a Happy Mother’s Day, but I couldn’t hide the sadness that had settled behind my voice.  The heartache of my losses beat me up yesterday and overpowered the love and appreciation I have for all the Moms in my life.   In the jumble of thoughts and emotions stuck in my brain yesterday, there was one thing that I kept hearing in my head over and over and over again throughout the day.  

A Blessing for Mamas

Late last night I couldn’t sleep and the words came out and I started writing.  One day late for Mother’s Day, I share this with you because it wasn’t just a hard day for me.  I know for many of you, it was a tough day too.

A blessing for mamas whose babies are here
They grow, they love, and they learn with you near.
They roll, they crawl, they walk and they run
Play chase, tumble and sing and have fun.
They stumble and trip and cry and throw fits
But you hold them and squeeze them and love them to bits.
First smile, first word, first step, and first giggle
She runs to your arms with love and a wiggle.
Your heart beats for her, a soul meant to be
A mama like you, I’d be proud if it’s me.

A blessing for mamas whose babies were gifted
A heart broken down now suddenly lifted.
A woman let go and now he is placed
In the warm, open arms of your soft embrace.
The long wait is over and in his eyes you know
This little one is mine; the love will blossom and grow.
Miracles do happen, do not overlook them
Your faith lead you here and you get to keep him.
Your heart beats for him, a soul meant to be
A mama like you, I’d be proud if it’s me.

A blessing for mamas whose babies were taken
Your world was shattered, shredded and shaken.
Your angel in heaven; she guides you with love
She sees every tear, and watches from above.
Your arms are empty, no baby to hold
Don’t live in silence, your story must be told.
Let your pain be replaced over time with her light
An angel you made; your life worth the fight.
Your heart beats for her, a soul meant to be
A mama like you, I’d be proud if it’s me.

A blessing for mama who’s waiting; why me?
Your faith and sweet hope given so openly.
There’s no answers, no timeline, no promise or end
You are stuck in the middle knowing fate might not bend.
There are doctors and needles and so many tests
What will it take to fill up my nest?
Your heart, your marriage, your life feels broken
What do you do when no answers are spoken?
Your heart beats for him, a soul still to be
A mama like you, I’d be proud if it’s me.

 

Poem and Photo by CJE, 31chances.com

Do you have a question? #startasking

Posted on by CJandMe

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This week is National Infertility Awareness Week #NIAW sponsored by Resolve.org.

I started blogging in November of 2014 as a way to start healing from the loss of my second pregnancy.  Now that I’m immersed in a social media community of those also struggling with infertility as well as recurrent pregnancy loss, it’s great to see all the support out there through blogs, private facebook groups and instagram, among many others.  It’s amazing to me that we are able to connect with each other through common ground, even though we’ve never met in person.  It’s incredibly powerful to read a comment on my blog saying that my writing brought them to tears because they’ve been through it too (thank you so much for that and for the courage to share your heartbreak).  And I’ve read other blogs where every word could have been my own because I’ve been walking the same journey.

This week is a great opportunity for us to come together to share our stories, help each other realize we are not alone in our heartbreak and our struggles and to raise awareness in our communities.  It’s also an opportunity to educate those around us that do not understand what we face through infertility and how we can be better supported.  The theme for NIAW this year is #startasking.

I have several new followers and some that have stuck with me for quite some time now.  To support the theme this year of #startasking, I thought instead of asking my own questions, I’d leave this open to you.  Do you have a question?  I now have nearly 4 years of experience directly dealing with infertility and trying to conceive…so feel free to ask me a question.

If you leave a question for me in the comments, I will collect all questions and answer them to the best of my ability on an upcoming blog post.  My answers will be based on my own personal experience (not medical advice) and I can respond to the following topics:

  • IVF
  • Embryo Transfer (fresh and frozen) and personal medical protocol (injections)
  • Donor egg IVF
  • Sperm donation
  • Early pregnancy following embryo transfer
  • Miscarriage, pregnancy loss
  • D&C procedure due to pregnancy loss
  • Endometrial biopsy (AKA “scratch test”) to improve stickiness of lining for embryo attachment
  • Grief, loss and recovery (surviving miscarriage, surviving negative pregnancy test after embryo transfers)
  • helping a friend through infertility and/or miscarriage

Are you looking for more connections to help you through your journey?  My favorite place to be is the private facebook group through www.missconceptioncoach.com.  Many of us are already connected here, but if you are new to this journey, it’s a great place to start.  You can request to become part of the group through her website.  I’ve also found instagram to be a great source of connection for infertility and ttc.  Here are some people that I follow on instagram:

  • howtobuyababy
  • dont_talk_about_the_baby
  • thescientificstork
  • ttcgreetingcards
  • caroline_induetime
  • thenilookupatthesky
  • lifeabundant_jw
  • missconceptioncoach
  • waitingforbabybird

As of this week, I’ve decided to link my own instagram to this blog, so I will be posting more on this topic and relating it to my blog on instagram (up until now, it’s mostly pictures of my dog and she’ll continue to make appearances).  You can follow me at chrissyj_31chances

For additional support and resources, feel free to check out my resources tab on my website.  I continue to add resources there as I learn about them. You can also view other blogs that I follow on my website if you are trying to find others to connect with in the blogging community regarding infertility and pregnancy loss.

Keep asking questions, reach out for support, connect with others.  Please post your questions in the comments!

 

The Unopened Gift

Posted on by CJandMe

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Trigger warning:  This post is about pregnancy loss

Last Tuesday we went to what was supposed to be our “graduation day” from our fertility center.  It was our 10 week ultrasound, one day early.  I brought a gift for my doctor.  I had framed the photo for him from  “One Little White Light”  as it was such a symbol of hope for all of us in the room.  With high anticipation and holding our breath, we looked for the baby.  But to our complete shock, there was no heartbeat.  Again, our happiness crashing down around us in an instant.  Darkness invading my mind.  My heart breaking into a million pieces.  Tears streaming.  Shock.  It’s not possible.  This can’t be happening. I can’t do this again.  I can’t do this again.  I can’t do this again.

I was two days away from celebrating my last intra-muscular injection.  I was in so much pain from those injections and was so close to this milestone.  I had been counting down the days for the past two weeks, willing myself to get through each one, knowing it was best for the pregnancy.  And then suddenly there was nothing to celebrate.  Coming home from the doctor appointment, I had the gift bag in my hand and there is no one to give it to and there is no longer a reason to open it.  What do I do with it?

And so it begins… the un-doing of a pregnancy and the dreams that came with it.  I have to tell my friends and family that know I’m pregnant.  Canceling doctor appointments, figuring out how to write the email to my work to let them know I won’t be back for awhile.  Phone calls with my OB, a grueling confirmatory ultrasound, and calls with the hospital to schedule and prep for another D&C.  Fighting the agony that comes from every image and thought that I’ve had in my head over the past 6 weeks since we got the positive pregnancy test.  Realizing my morning sickness is quickly disappearing and fully aware that the hormonal changes coming my way are going to feel like crap.  Watching my husband grieve but I can’t help him because I’m in too much pain and I can’t stop crying for hours and hours and hours.  Letting go of how happy I felt every day waking up pregnant.  Now faced with the fear of waking up in the night forced to realize that my baby is gone.

I had become so attached to an online support group for women who had become pregnant after their long time struggles with infertility.  In the six weeks I was with the group, I had seen several babies born and several more were very close to coming into this world.  There was a list of due dates going into December.  There must have been at least 30 of us, with mine listed as November 16.   November 16.  Another date to add to my list of haunting dates.  I had become attached to their stories, their daily posts about food cravings and appreciated discomforts, and birthing plans, and what to put on a registry, and photos of nurseries, and photos of newborns and simply the unwritten word that we all just understood each other…And I had to say goodbye.

In the doctor’s office after getting the news, my husband and I were left alone for awhile to deal with our new reality.  I kept telling him, “I don’t want to go back, I don’t want to go back to the way it was before.”  I had crossed the line from infertility and TTC to Babyland.  I loved it here in Babyland.  I did not want to go back to the stories of struggles and pain and suffering and what if’s and waiting and loss and heartbreak.  I didn’t want to go back.  Please don’t make me go back.

The framed photo I brought for my doctor was now an image that tore through my heart like the most cruel joke that could be played on me.  I had wanted to hang that photo in our nursery.  That day on the beach…it was our beautiful gift.  Now, never to be opened.