Love is an Ocean and other Pretty Things


It hasn’t been an easy couple of months.  My embryo transfer cycle brought a lot of traumatic  memories to the surface and created anxiety at a much higher level than I expected. My husband was out of town quite a bit which meant I had to do many of my IM injections on my own.  My nurse drew a target on my booty to help me hit the right spot.  (Pardon the messy room in the photo)


Ultimately, this cycle ended in bad news…a negative pregnancy test.  I couldn’t bring myself to write about it until now and it took me a couple weeks to talk to my doctor.  Sadly, this bad news lead right into the four year anniversary of losing Jaxon (our first loss at 15 weeks) and I struggled emotionally right up to that date (March 23).  I took a walk that day where I discovered the sign above, “love is an ocean”.  Whoever placed it here has no idea how much love is here.  This is where we spread Jaxon’s ashes.  I took the photo two days later on my birthday.

My husband gave me this necklace for my birthday.  He said it represents our home by the ocean but more importantly is a symbol for Jaxon at the center where my birthstone in aquamarine is placed.  That was the first time I thought about sharing my birthstone with Jaxon and it gave me a sense of peace.  This necklace brought a lot of love to me on my birthday.  “Love is an ocean” is what I now carry around my neck and close to my heart.


I wanted to be around something beautiful for my birthday.  My husband and I went with some friends to a botanical garden.  Tulips ruled the land and the colors painted our day, leaving everyone with smiles…and a peacock to bid us farewell.  

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Ummmm….No.

NoWhen I’m going through an embryo transfer cycle, I feel like I turn into the Queen of No…might as well call me Grumpy Cat. I feel like I have to defend my energy level, attitude and well-being, which means I have to say no to stuff. I have to stay focused on getting enough rest, exercising and eating right. And then I have to say no some more. And this applies to everyone (well, except the dog). But everyone else…husband, family, friends, work. My husband gets the worst of it.

Husband: We should adopt another dog! Let’s go look at rescue dogs next weekend!

Me: No.

Work: Do you think you can complete this project or take on this new assignment or travel to…

Me: No.

Dog: I love you! I love you! Play with me! Feed me! Cuddle with me!

Me: Well, ok…how can I say no to you.

Friends: We should go out to…

Me: No.

Husband: When do you think we can take a trip to…

Me: No.

Husband: Hey, let’s go…

Me: No.

Husband: Do you think you could…

Me: No.

Husband: Will you…

Me: No.